DAY 413

I can’t believe I read this news on Dawn’s website today:

LAHORE: A Pakistani court has ordered the authorities to block access to nine websites including Google, Yahoo, Amazon, MSN, Hotmail, YouTube and Bing for allegedly offending Muslims with blasphemous material.

I cannot believe this. How can a judge actually give such a decision? What will be left then? You are trying to block the main search engines & email websites? Why the hell even doing this? How about BAN INTERNET in Pakistan & tell the world out there that GO TO HELL we don’t want to be in touch with you? I think the judge who gave this decision never even used internet himself. I’m sure he has never even used computers. What kind of a logical decision is this? After reading this news, I am shocked at the thoughts of the judge & the person who actually took it to the court. These are crazy people. Instead of blocking certain links, you are actually blocking the whole system. Instead of forwarding the complaint to the authorities of these websites, you are just giving out stupid decisions. I really can’t believe this. Oh! Yes please do block my website as well next time. Huh…

This is what those bloody creatures want. They want us to be cut off with the world. They should have ordered PTA to hire a team that can keep browsing the internet & keep letting them know about these websites that could be blocked. There are millions of websites that have porn on it. Why not blocking them?? Why the hell no one complaining about that?? I think coz the judge & even the person who went to the court, they both enjoy porn & for their own entertainment they just can’t block that. Is blasphemous material only not allowed in Islam? Porn is allowed? How about not closing & arresting such people that are in this business? Why not arresting & punishing those stage artists that use dirty language & nude dancers?? Even there is proof all over the internet & on CD(s) about these stage dancers. Why not closing down the red alert area in Lahore that every single Pakistani knows about it? This is just double standards & nothing more.

DAY 410

What a bad weekend I had. Extremely hot weather with no electricity most of the hours of the day plus bad health condition & bloody internet not working. Most of my time was spent in the bed coz somehow I was having very low blood pressure but all ok now. Still not 100% but soon will be fine. I saw an online friend of mine on Facebook posting a status that he is in hospital & having severe pain while sending this message from his mobile. Guess what the comments were. No one wished him good luck or good health but people actually fighting in the comments thread. Making fun of each other & blah blah blah… Wow! I can’t believe this. Cruel world out there I would say.

In the past few days I have discovered some very strange facts about a person I was friend with a couple of months back. The facts I have discovered do conflict with the actions of that person in front of me & that was really shocking but yes, the facts are true. It’s really strange to see people pretending to be nice all the time & in real they are nothing but worthless piece of shit. Do apologize for this sort of language. I am even shocked that the person kept pretending for almost a year & tried to be someone that in actual was not. Wow! Beware of these types of un-identified human like things walking among us I would say.

Football World Cup craze is on & I really don’t care or know who is winning & who is out. I was once a person who used to play a lot of Football & even lot of Cricket in my early age. I still know how to play the game & I was a good defender in Football but now somehow I have lost all the interest in sports. I think I need to start playing these games again. Let’s see if I can.

Almost 3 weeks gone & books for my further studies keep staring me every day the minute I walk into my room. I still have not started reading them. I really need to set my mind. Last time I studied was almost 12 years back. So it will be a bit hard to start it but I really need to do it. This might help me in diverting my thoughts that sometimes go out of control when I sit all alone. GOD help me & please guide me…

DAY 406

If I analyze myself, I had been a very bad son, a very bad brother & even according to some a very bad friend. So the net result is I’m extremely bad in all sorts of relations. Yes! Everyone has complains & yes mostly it was my fault. I think I am absolutely bad with relations. I think I should be banned for all sorts of relations. I really don’t know why but I actually think that now people should avoid relations with me. One of my family members even asked me to go to hell today. Honestly I am walking on that path that leads to hell. I know that the person never meant it & was all said in anger but it actually hurts. We actually say a lot of things in anger that can hurt others. Even I do that so it should not hurt. Maybe it only hurt coz it was entirely my fault. I would like to apologize for it. Hope you forgive me.

I really need a long sleep now. I just can’t be doing this to myself. I should be selfish in this matter at least. How could I do this to me? I should take care of myself as I promised but not doing it intentionally. Damn! I can’t even keep promises. I actually deserve all this. In fact I deserve more than this. I need a proper punishment. Maybe that is why life itself is slowly turning into a punishment now. So am I sentenced for a lifetime punishment? I guess I am.

Tomorrow 3 weeks will be gone from a period of 3 months & it still seems a very long path to walk on. I don’t even know that after the period of 3 months would everything would be back to normal or would it be just a few days of happiness & then back in pain. I really don’t know.

When I entered the world of internet, I created an online name for me & it was “Man In Darkness”. After 5-6 years later, I changed it to “Man In Brightness” but brightness was never around me. I still live in the dark. I think I should go back & change it to “Man In Darkness”. Even the rest of the country, is in darkness thanks to WAPDA & bloody government officials.

DAY 405

For the last two days, I have not slept well. I go to bed in the morning at 05:00am or a bit late & getting up at 09:30am or 10:00am. I don’t know why but I can’t sleep. While in the evening I feel sleepy but when the time comes, I feel like I don’t require any sleep. Maybe this is temporarily but I really hope it ends.

Today in the morning me & one of my family member, we both tried to take pictures of the 3 kitten but the minute the camera was in front of them, they turned their faces. Guess they are cameras conscious. Will try again tomorrow. I really want to share the beauty that GOD has created. They are actually so cute & lovely.

By the way 'Two Faced' kitten is born in West Virginia. The two-faced kitten was born on Wednesday in Charleston, West Virginia, and was brought to the vet shortly afterwards because its mother refused to nurse it. Each face is a complete separate face, meaning it has two nose, two mouths and four eyes. Wow…

For the past 7 days, 8 people have actually shared their hidden parts of life with me on either chats or sms. It is really strange for me. Some of them, I don’t even know. Just met them online & on their first or either second chat with me, they shared their lives. I would really like to thank all of them for trusting me & making me feel special. I almost asked each one of them that why were they trusting me & sharing their hidden lives but I never got a proper answer. It actually makes me feel happy that people do trust me. So thank you all once again.

A few days back I wrote that Facebook was acting funny & PTCL IP was blocked saying “Bad IP” & use of abusive language. Later I read reviews on online forums where people were discussing this issue. Some of them actually got access to other’s profile & they could actually do anything on their profile. They were all blaming PTCL for it but I don’t agree with this. PTCL can’t have access to Facebook profiles & passwords. Something must have been wrong on Facebook’s server & this must have been from their end. I can’t believe that due to these technical faults, people can access personal information of anyone. I also noticed that no news channel was interested in this. They were all quiet. If PTCL did all that than, Facebook would have blocked it for long & would have investigated. The problem was from their end, so they just blocked it for a while & once fixed, they unblocked it & did not let the news leak out. Otherwise if PTCL was on fault which never makes sense then Facebook actually had a chance to take revenge and hit back as Pakistan blocked Facebook last month and Facebook had to suffer financial loses. I also felt from online searching that this only happened in Pakistan. Facebook must have dedicated different servers to every country & maybe something went wrong only on the server that is dedicated to Pakistan. So everyone, please note that in future any wrong/abusive messages, emails, chats or comments you receive from my end, clarify with me before hating me…

DAY 403

After almost 3 months of time, internet is back at my home. Due to some bad experience with Wateen Telecom, I had to wait for this much time & now I am not a member of that service anymore.

Today Facebook was acting funny. Whenever I tried to log in it was redirecting me to the “Access Restricted (Bad IP)”. The email I received from them & even the message onscreen was “You are unable to access the site because the IP address you are using to log in has been reported as abusive”. I was posting this comment on one of my friend’s video link. Wow! Really nice. Now what the hell is abusive in that? I was shocked but later discovered that almost all PTCL members were facing the same situation. I wonder what went wrong.

Every morning at around 04:30 or 05:00am, my cat comes to me & starts her meow meow in my ear. Today I was so much tired as I slept at 04:00am in the morning & I was not waking up. She actually started rubbing her hand on my cheek without bringing her nails out to wake me up & guess what, she succeeded. So looked at her & they way she was trying made me love her more & yes! I went to the kitchen & I gave her the food. I am actually starting to love her even more now coz the way she acts, it really feels like loving & hugging her.

The three kittens have now started to run around & play. They don’t go much far from their temporary house but it is amazing to see them play. One of them is almost same as her mom & she is really a cute & naughty one while she plays. I think people should have pets in their homes. They can actually fall in love with animals.

DAY 400

Today I discovered something new. Maybe I was late in discovering it but who cares, I did discover it after all. A new feature has been introduced by Hotmail that we can actually link our Facebook, Blogger, Youtube & a few others accounts with Hotmail & you have everything on one single page. Yes! Home page of Homtail has now all of it. I don’t have to log on Facebook account as I even can’t do that from my office as it is blocked in the office but now I can keep an eye on all the updates on Facebook plus I can even comment on my friend’s links & status while I am in the office. This is really cool stuff & I’m starting to actually like it.

The 3 little cats are now a bit bigger & 2 of them are actually turning into a real beauty. One of the little kids just looks like a Chinese but they are so adorable & really cute. I will try to upload there pics soon once I get my internet back at home which I don’t think would be in near future. I actually hate PTCL & Wateen now. Both of them are useless & crap service providers. In fact they are not even any service provider. They are just headache provider & nothing more. So any of you planning to get a new connection of PTCL without any of your relatives being there, don’t do it & also say NO to Wateen coz in the beginning they act like best & once a problem appears, they act as the worst.

Day before yesterday once again I removed a number of friends from my Facebook friend’s list as I just want minimum number of people to be there. I don’t want those to be in my list that doesn’t even do a thing. People who show me attitude, I just kick them out coz I have an attitude of my own which is at times much greater than anyone’s else. Yes! For that you all are welcome to hate me.

14 days gone out of the 3 months period & still lots of more days left for me to keep myself jailed inside me. It is hard but life never stops. I wish it had but…

DAY 399

Have you ever observed a piece of paper or a plastic bag lying on a busy road while each & every car that passes by with a speed keeps turning its direction? Everyday while I stand in front of the UAAR at one side of the road while waiting for my friend, I do that. The speed of air sometimes pushes it to the left & sometime to the right. It keeps flying there & sometimes even gets hit by a car but then again it keeps flying in the direction of the air. Life is something like that I feel. The speed of time keeps pushing us in different directions & we are always in a search of our destination but then suddenly we get hit by a bad time & if we survive, we find ourselves lost but later by the passage of time we again start for the same search.

Do you know why are we not been able to find our destination? Because life itself is a journey. Our search in life never stops. If we get one thing, we start looking for some other thing & it keeps going on & on. I feel lost in this world. I don’t even know if I am in search of anything. Maybe I am in search of myself, in search of my soul or maybe in search of my life.

Yesterday I was thinking that I should start writing a book on my life & it should be titled “LOL”. No! It does not mean “Laugh Out Loud” but it means “Life Of a Loser”. Ok now you can laugh out loud. Well! If I do start writing a book & once it is in public then yes, people would laugh coz people always laugh on the pain of others. So the title would be correct I guess. Well! I wanted to spread a smile on everyone’s face, maybe this way I might achieve it…

DAY 397

Today in the morning at around 04:30am while I was sleeping, I started hearing meow meow sounds in my ear. No I don’t have an alarm clock that makes that sound. It was my cute cat. She was hungry so she came to me & sat beside my ear & kept saying meow meow. Once I changed my direction, she came on the other side & did the same. Well! She actually made me wake-up, on my feet & yes I went to the kitchen so she can eat. I don’t like when people wake me up early that morning but I still love her coz she is so so so cute mashaAllah. I wonder how she knew that ear is the point in the body from where I can hear her meow meow. Well! Intelligent little creature I would say.

The 3 baby cats are now mashaAllah a bit grown-up & so cute. I love watching them playing around. This is one thing that makes me forget that I have pain in me coz while watching them, my attention does get diverted for sometime but when it comes back on the old track, I start missing someone.

Sometimes I try to hate some specific people & in my mind I don’t want them to be around but when they suddenly appear in front of me and start talking, I just don’t show them my anger in public which I should coz they had been insulting me in front of others. I wonder why I don’t do that. I really don’t know.

It is a good thing that pain remains in me as a part of me. At least because of this, I can feel the pain of others. I can understand what others are going through when somehow they find themselves in the same situation where once I was. So pain should remain in us otherwise we would never know other’s feeling & we might keep hurting others. By the way, I don’t know why but I do keep hurting people even though when I don’t want to.

Yesterday someone told me that my blogs is too depressing. Well! Yes they are. I will try to make them better but really don’t know why the hell they got so depressing. Maybe because I’m depressed so my words are depressed. Ah! I will try to change it.

I used to write funny articles that always made people laugh or smile & still there are 50+ articles on my website that even now when I read, I ask myself “Have I wrote all this?” Even at some stage I have a smile on my own face. I really want to write like that all over again. I wonder in what mood I always used to be in that age. What was the factor behind it that always converted my words & sentences into a smile or a laugh? I really want to know.

Now looking back in time & reading all what I used to write, I feel that I’m really a changed person. Every human has two parts in them, a good one & a bad one. Most of the people let there bad part out & kill their good part. I don’t do that. I let both out when required. Yes sometimes I’m bad & sometimes I’m worse :)… Ok sometimes I am good too but don’t trust every word I write coz no bad person would say I’m bad.

DAY 396

I have just removed those sentences & words from my previous blogs that could have or already have hurt my friends & people around me. I once again do apologize to Allah & to my dear friends for writing all those.

I’m really blessed by some really nice friends on Facebook. They had been a great support & I would really like to thank each & everyone. They have been loving, caring & supporting. I used to call a friend of mine “My twin soul” but I discovered that we are not same. That person is much much much better than me in every aspect & I am grateful to that friend for being my friend, my strength & somehow my power to fight. Really I don’t know how to be thankful to that person. Even I hurt that friend of mine & I am extremely sorry for that.

Six months back one of my ex-friend’s hotmail account was hacked & I wrote the whole event in few of my December’s blogs. Couple of days ago I received an email from an unknown person inquiring me about the hacker & my ex-friend. I am surprised as someone actually searched the web & came on my blog by chance. That person’s account also got hacked in the same month & that person is trying to find a connection between my ex-friend, me, hacker & herself. Well! Honestly I have no connections with the hacker or my ex-friend. Sometimes I even feel I don’t have a connection with myself. I wonder if there is any connection but this happened 6 months back. That person got her account back, my ex-friend got her account back so why now she wants to know who the hacker was. Well! Strange, isn’t it?

DAY 395

I want to apologize today for my previous blogs. Somehow I kept hurting someone & I was not aware of it. I never wanted to hurt anyone but I really don't know why I keep hurting people around me. Somehow my mind got out of my control & I lost it. I went into a situation where my mind was not been able to think. I am not going to blame on situations. I just want to say sorry for hurting you. Please do forgive me.

I also want to say sorry to ALLAH today. I have not only been a bad human but a real bad Muslim. I hope Allah will forgive me for saying all that rubbish. I take all my words back & I am honestly sorry for all this.

I really don't know why I went into that sort of situation and why I committed a sin. I really don't know. I guess I actually lost everything. My faith, trust, my image of being a nice person & maybe people I love because of all this. I know once you hurt someone, you can't change it but I want to say that I never wanted this to happen. I really never wanted people to get hurt coz of me. Maybe I am nothing but a looser who keeps hurting others & keep saying sorry.

Once again I'm extremely sorry...

DAY 392

Another painful night passed by and it is not stopping. Last night at around 2am I again went into a health condition where you feel life is going to end but only good things end early. The bad ones don’t go away so soon.

A friend of mine emailed me & told me that I am at mistake. Yes! This is true. I am at mistake. According to the email, I should not complain to GOD. This is right but we only complain to those who we think are our own. It’s even my fault as I knew the path I have chosen was directed to pain. I knew it & I kept walking on it & now when I am in pain, why do I complain? Damn! It’s all my own fault. Yes! I did all this to myself.

So now what? Well! Nothing of course. I wanted to walk on this path so here I am walking. I wanted to have pain so there I am. I have a great pain in me. I guess I am not a looser after all. At least I did achieve what I wanted.

I do apologize to everyone if any of the content written here has hurt you or your feelings. I will try not to hurt anyone thorough my stupid blogs. Also my aim of writing was not at all to gather sympathy or anything like that. I only wrote so I could reduce my pain or I could get it off my chest but neither of that happened.

Another friend of mine also going through a painful process of life & when that friend share things with me, I lie & tell that friend that don’t worry, everything will be fine while deep inside my heart I know that nothing will be fine. Yes! I have lost hopes. If someone tells me that everything will be fine, I actually tell them rudely that don’t lie to me please.

I don’t want anyone to say sorry to me please. I can understand that why some decisions were taken in life.

DAY 391

Everyday I wake up in the morning like I have been pulled out of a nightmare. My heartbeat runs at a speed of a bullet, my whole body sweating with a faster breath. Then after a few minutes I realize that it was just a nightmare that ended but you know what, it never ends, the minute I open my eyes, the real nightmare starts. I find myself again back in this stupid world which I actually hate the most now. Why do I wake up? Why can’t I just keep sleeping?

Yesterday I had to leave the office early coz my health condition. Basically it’s not the health but the brain. Every time in life when I found myself in deep pain or in a dilemma, I always found my brain saying something to me while my heart saying the opposite. First time ever each part of my body wants the same thing to happen which might not happen anymore.

I used to think that by shedding tears or sharing your pain, the pain reduces but this is actually not happening this time. This time the pain is more then the previous day and as the days passes by, the pain keeps increasing. Can any body assist me or guide me? Can anyone show me a way to fight this pain? I think this will not end coz this time my stupid brain is not at all accepting what has happened & what will happen. Maybe it is in deep shock.

Yesterday I even received my books for my further studies but damn I just can’t do it now. I don’t know if I could ever do this or not. How in hell would I study when my brain is not in my control any more? None of my body part listens to me anymore. I think everyone is angry with me for pushing them in this pain.

I was a very strange type of kid in my childhood. I never used to laugh on jokes, I was rude type of person. As long as I can remember, I never used to make friends & I always kept myself to me. Time passed & I changed but now I am going back into my childhood. I now even hate when people laugh around me. I know it’s not their fault but I don’t know why I hate humans now. I hate when people ask me how am I doing. I hate this question now. I don’t answer it anymore. I ignore it. I don’t talk about my feelings to people any more but I only write it all here what I have to say. Why do I write? If someday I die, maybe someone would read all this & remember me. Maybe if I ever reach in my fifties (Which I have doubts) I would read them again & will laugh at my stupid actions or would hate myself for doing this or that. If I ever have a memory loss, I might read these blogs again & would try to discover myself.

I remember one of my friends was jealous of me at some stage of life. He thought that I was very lucky or something like that but now I’m sure he would laugh on his act. I will not pray but yes I wish that may GOD never bless anyone with the luck that I have been blessed with. Oh damn! I mean bad luck. So people around me, stop being jealous of me coz I have nothing.

DAY 390

I see a man walking down the road of life with no aim, no fear, no passion to live. Somehow I feel he has lost everything but still in search of something. I see him walking beside the grounds where children play. He dont look at them. He dont even try to remember that once he was a child, he had dreams, he wanted to be someone but now he has no dreams, he dont want to be someone. He dont even want to be himself anymore.

I see a shine in his eyes. Oh! Did I say shine? No, its only tears that shine. I dont see him talking. He just keeps walking on roads with no aim at all. I know he is trying to run away from thoughts that are following him. Does he wants to run away from himself? Do you know any place where you can hide in this world fom yourself?

I tried to ask him things, tried to make him talk but no replies. He just keeps quiet. I see him turning into a rude person. Sometimes I see him looking at the sky like he wants some answers but then he dont find them.

Yesterday he spoke to me. He told me a few things. He prayed that may GOD never bless anyone with the type of luck he has been blessed with. Infect, he said that it is not luck but badluck. He even told me he is waiting for a day. When I asked him what day, he said that the day when it will end, when the breath will be no more, when his eyes wont see the world any longer, when the heartbeat will stop. The day when he will die, he waits for that one day.

I see that man everyday & I feel his pain. Where he came from, what made him like this is perhaps a long story but he is here. He is real. I meet him everyday & every night. He lives here... here... in me...