DAY 391

Everyday I wake up in the morning like I have been pulled out of a nightmare. My heartbeat runs at a speed of a bullet, my whole body sweating with a faster breath. Then after a few minutes I realize that it was just a nightmare that ended but you know what, it never ends, the minute I open my eyes, the real nightmare starts. I find myself again back in this stupid world which I actually hate the most now. Why do I wake up? Why can’t I just keep sleeping?

Yesterday I had to leave the office early coz my health condition. Basically it’s not the health but the brain. Every time in life when I found myself in deep pain or in a dilemma, I always found my brain saying something to me while my heart saying the opposite. First time ever each part of my body wants the same thing to happen which might not happen anymore.

I used to think that by shedding tears or sharing your pain, the pain reduces but this is actually not happening this time. This time the pain is more then the previous day and as the days passes by, the pain keeps increasing. Can any body assist me or guide me? Can anyone show me a way to fight this pain? I think this will not end coz this time my stupid brain is not at all accepting what has happened & what will happen. Maybe it is in deep shock.

Yesterday I even received my books for my further studies but damn I just can’t do it now. I don’t know if I could ever do this or not. How in hell would I study when my brain is not in my control any more? None of my body part listens to me anymore. I think everyone is angry with me for pushing them in this pain.

I was a very strange type of kid in my childhood. I never used to laugh on jokes, I was rude type of person. As long as I can remember, I never used to make friends & I always kept myself to me. Time passed & I changed but now I am going back into my childhood. I now even hate when people laugh around me. I know it’s not their fault but I don’t know why I hate humans now. I hate when people ask me how am I doing. I hate this question now. I don’t answer it anymore. I ignore it. I don’t talk about my feelings to people any more but I only write it all here what I have to say. Why do I write? If someday I die, maybe someone would read all this & remember me. Maybe if I ever reach in my fifties (Which I have doubts) I would read them again & will laugh at my stupid actions or would hate myself for doing this or that. If I ever have a memory loss, I might read these blogs again & would try to discover myself.

I remember one of my friends was jealous of me at some stage of life. He thought that I was very lucky or something like that but now I’m sure he would laugh on his act. I will not pray but yes I wish that may GOD never bless anyone with the luck that I have been blessed with. Oh damn! I mean bad luck. So people around me, stop being jealous of me coz I have nothing.