Sadly another long gap on my blog which I really don’t like or want but sometimes I do run out of words or maybe it gets tough for me to express my thoughts in simple words. Even if I use extraordinary words, I might fail as well as some feelings are hard to express in words.
I have been away from the blog but not away from any of my normal daily activity. Everything went fine. Nothing changed. I still don’t sleep at nights & I still keep myself busy online with different activities. One of them is Facebook YoVille. A really interesting game I would say. You have to work, visit friends & do some other stuff to earn coins & with that you can make purchases. You can decorate your home (One in the game) & a lot more to do. This is where I keep myself busy mostly nowadays. The game is just like you are living in a world of fantasy.
One of my good friends was looking for a laptop & for that she actually asked everyone to advise her. Do you know what happens when you start receiving advises from every end? You stand no where but confused coz everyone would be advising you but not showing you the right path. None of them would be practically helping you but only sharing information that might be correct or might be incomplete. So in the end she got confused as it always happen. I have been in this field for the past one year so I would not say that I’m an expert in laptops but yes when it comes to help a friend, I am. Ok not that expert but I do try at least. Actually I really want every person to be satisfied who ever steps towards me for assistance. Even I am dealing with laptops. Selling & buying for a UK based company. We only sell in UK & in some other parts of the world but not in Pakistan. There is one more person that she knows who is also in the same field. His company is dealing in Pakistan so he offered his services but when it comes to friendship, one should be helpful which I’m sorry to say he was not. He was not even offering her any discounted price. So she was a bit upset with that. She is now on her way to purchase a laptop but not from him & I wish her best of luck. Hope she gets the best deal & hope she be happy & satisfied with it.
Pakistan Cricket team is on his way to loose the match against Australia & if this happens, our neighbor India might loose a chance to be in the next level of the Champion’s Trophy. At the moment Indians really want Pakistan to win but Pakistan is one team that you cannot guarantee the result when they are playing. Let’s see what happens but at the moment it looks like Pakistan is going to loose. For Pakistan, they are already in the next level so they don’t really care. This is what I hate about this team. Why can’t they keep on playing with the same attitude & same spirit? Hard one to ask, right? Well! Even hard one to answer as well. See sometimes it is hard to express your feelings & answer questions. This is one department where Pakistan Cricket team management always fails.
Wednesday, September 30, 2009
Wednesday, September 23, 2009
DAY 139
3rd day of EID past & all the three days went better and thanks GOD peaceful. I was not aware of it that even today was an official holiday in Pakistan but for me it was a full working day as my UK boss thinks that these occasions are not important but for him Christmas is really important & he is off on all those days. So do apologize for writing incorrect info regarding today’s holiday.
I was reading the news that some stupid Railway Minister is demanding to change the chairman of the committee which is responsible for moon sighting. He said that he just want the EID(s) to be celebrated on the same days as per Saudi Arabia. GOD! They don’t even know the teachings of Islam & he said that we just want Islam. Where does the concept of moon sighting goes then when you have to follow other countries. In one part of the world when it is light, the other part is dark. So how come one rule could be applied to all the locations? Why don’t they start following their local timings as well? Oh GOD! Who the hell let them be in these official positions? They don’t even deserve to be a peon in the Government. I really wish GOD give us sense that at least next time with bring & choose the right persons for running the Government. I also know that this will never happen but what the heck. You can at least pray.
Today I decided one thing that I will not give importance to any of those friends that do give importance to me. So I will apply the formula of “Tit for tat” coz I have been feeling that some of my so called friends are actually not mine. I will not end any of the relations & will continue playing my part but I will not be crazy in friendships. Only if they want to end it, then it will. The concept of friendship for me is somehow different. It starts with a trust & it should continue with it. You don’t ignore your friends while you are tense but you let them be with you so they can stand beside you in every moment of your life either good or bad so you can feel strong. Why we share happiness with them but not our grief? Why cannot we share? We can always listen to their problems but cannot explain ours coz we feel shame but why feel shame if you trust them. It’s so easy to start a relation but so hard to actually continue it in its true form. I have always kept a very less quantity of friends around me. It is always min 1 & max 4 out of which 1 is always the best but not anymore. Now I don’t keep any friend in the best category coz currently I really don’t have any to keep in that position.
I was reading the news that some stupid Railway Minister is demanding to change the chairman of the committee which is responsible for moon sighting. He said that he just want the EID(s) to be celebrated on the same days as per Saudi Arabia. GOD! They don’t even know the teachings of Islam & he said that we just want Islam. Where does the concept of moon sighting goes then when you have to follow other countries. In one part of the world when it is light, the other part is dark. So how come one rule could be applied to all the locations? Why don’t they start following their local timings as well? Oh GOD! Who the hell let them be in these official positions? They don’t even deserve to be a peon in the Government. I really wish GOD give us sense that at least next time with bring & choose the right persons for running the Government. I also know that this will never happen but what the heck. You can at least pray.
Today I decided one thing that I will not give importance to any of those friends that do give importance to me. So I will apply the formula of “Tit for tat” coz I have been feeling that some of my so called friends are actually not mine. I will not end any of the relations & will continue playing my part but I will not be crazy in friendships. Only if they want to end it, then it will. The concept of friendship for me is somehow different. It starts with a trust & it should continue with it. You don’t ignore your friends while you are tense but you let them be with you so they can stand beside you in every moment of your life either good or bad so you can feel strong. Why we share happiness with them but not our grief? Why cannot we share? We can always listen to their problems but cannot explain ours coz we feel shame but why feel shame if you trust them. It’s so easy to start a relation but so hard to actually continue it in its true form. I have always kept a very less quantity of friends around me. It is always min 1 & max 4 out of which 1 is always the best but not anymore. Now I don’t keep any friend in the best category coz currently I really don’t have any to keep in that position.
Tuesday, September 22, 2009
DAY 138
Second day of EID is about to end & honestly these two days are also about to pass in the same manner as all my regular days. Nothing interesting or no excitement but one thing was there. I actually did not get bore as both the days I had to be in the office. Both were half days for me so yes, the time passed or should I say slipped away. First day in the office was much better than the second one coz on the second day, I & my friend were the only two in the office & we hardly spoke during the fours hours of our duty. Something is bothering him and he does not want to share so he kept quiet & as I don’t like to interfere in anyone’s personal life so I did not ask. One thing I do like about myself (Sorry for self praising) that I can keep myself busy & can enjoy my own company coz I have been with me for the past 31 years. So I did not let the office environment that quiet. I kept on singing songs as there was not much to do honestly & someone has to break the ice.
I am still unable to sleep at nights & I keep myself busy online. No I don’t chat at night but yes do watch movies as it’s still getting hard for me to sleep. I wonder who stole my sleep. Soon I would have to register a complaint against it but honestly you would never want to go to a police station for anything at all. You go there for an FIR & even for that they charge. It’s not a public service department anymore. It’s a general store where you have to buy everything. So pray that you never get a chance to visit that store.
Hopefully from tomorrow all the offices & banks would be opened & back in operations. Life will be back to normal. After 30 days of fasting & developing the habit of not eating & drinking during the day, it’s now getting hard for me to have my lunch. I hardly drink any water during the day coz somewhere in my brain I still feel that I’m fasting.
When EID comes, the first thing that pops up into my mind is expanses & then happiness nowadays. So after spending huge amounts on shopping, the whole budget got disturbed & I was in a bit of tension since morning as I knew what I am left with & the way I have to spend the up coming last week of this month. When we actually trust in Allah, he helps or shows a way to walk. So I was just talking with him deep in my heart & was asking for his guidance. While doing this something came to my mind. Actually few days back I kept some amount in the house (location is hidden) & suddenly that came to my brain. I quickly walked to that location & actually found it there & that was an actual relief. See, HE actually helps when we ask for. Well! This is the only reason I shared this part as to let you know that it actually works. So please keep your trust in Allah & HE will guide you.
I am still unable to sleep at nights & I keep myself busy online. No I don’t chat at night but yes do watch movies as it’s still getting hard for me to sleep. I wonder who stole my sleep. Soon I would have to register a complaint against it but honestly you would never want to go to a police station for anything at all. You go there for an FIR & even for that they charge. It’s not a public service department anymore. It’s a general store where you have to buy everything. So pray that you never get a chance to visit that store.
Hopefully from tomorrow all the offices & banks would be opened & back in operations. Life will be back to normal. After 30 days of fasting & developing the habit of not eating & drinking during the day, it’s now getting hard for me to have my lunch. I hardly drink any water during the day coz somewhere in my brain I still feel that I’m fasting.
When EID comes, the first thing that pops up into my mind is expanses & then happiness nowadays. So after spending huge amounts on shopping, the whole budget got disturbed & I was in a bit of tension since morning as I knew what I am left with & the way I have to spend the up coming last week of this month. When we actually trust in Allah, he helps or shows a way to walk. So I was just talking with him deep in my heart & was asking for his guidance. While doing this something came to my mind. Actually few days back I kept some amount in the house (location is hidden) & suddenly that came to my brain. I quickly walked to that location & actually found it there & that was an actual relief. See, HE actually helps when we ask for. Well! This is the only reason I shared this part as to let you know that it actually works. So please keep your trust in Allah & HE will guide you.
Monday, September 21, 2009
DAY 137
First day of EID in Pakistan & so far it has been peaceful & quite ok. Hope it will remain like this & all three days of EID would be wonderful & full of joy. EID MUBARAK to all me readers & may you all stay happy & healthy. So the moon was actually sighted this time. Maybe this time their shopping was done in time & their wives clothes got stitched or maybe this time they got better telescopes.
Had a better weekend as Saturday was dedicated to the incomplete shopping for family & Sunday was dedicated for shopping food stuff for EID. The shopping was a tough one. GOD! Literally every other human was in the bazaar. It was getting so hard to even walk freely. I was playing touch me not in the crowd. I was actually saving myself from each person but I was so shocked when ladies were actually pushing & making their way in crowd. GOD! What a shame… I remember I used to play this game in my school days. Me & my friend during the break time used to go in the hall full of human like creatures & walk from one corner to the other without getting touched with anyone & mostly I used to win.
First EID of mine & I did not shave. I am still with a 2 week shave on my face. Well! I am planning to shave but still not sure will I or not. I have been an unlucky person since 1998. Every EID I had to be in the office & still I am in the office. Although a half day but bad luck is bad luck. I did not even sleep last night. No, it was not the excitement but I have a bad habit for not sleeping at nights. GOD help me before I loose it…
EID used to be very special moments in my life. I was just chatting with a friend of mine who is in Germany & he was with his friends. I remember, me & a few others used to arrange a party every first day of EID. There were 15-20 kids & boys having food & then games & we used to start this at 1:30 pm & end it at 4:30 pm. Those were really great days. I still remember that I was the one that was trusted by everyone & the whole collected amount was given to me. Thank you guys for believing in me & for your trust.
Again Peshawar announced EID a day before the rest of Pakistan. I just can’t believe it. This happens every EID. I wonder how could they sight the moon & the rest of the country can’t? Well! This is really a shame. Calling ourselves Muslims & not following anything. Not even thinking for once that the sins of others would be on you as well coz you people are the one making wrong decisions. Hope GOD shows them the right path. How could you follow Saudi Arabia? If you follow them this much then why not following their timings as well? I wonder where these peoples were when brain was getting distributed. They might be looking at the moon at that time as well.
Had a better weekend as Saturday was dedicated to the incomplete shopping for family & Sunday was dedicated for shopping food stuff for EID. The shopping was a tough one. GOD! Literally every other human was in the bazaar. It was getting so hard to even walk freely. I was playing touch me not in the crowd. I was actually saving myself from each person but I was so shocked when ladies were actually pushing & making their way in crowd. GOD! What a shame… I remember I used to play this game in my school days. Me & my friend during the break time used to go in the hall full of human like creatures & walk from one corner to the other without getting touched with anyone & mostly I used to win.
First EID of mine & I did not shave. I am still with a 2 week shave on my face. Well! I am planning to shave but still not sure will I or not. I have been an unlucky person since 1998. Every EID I had to be in the office & still I am in the office. Although a half day but bad luck is bad luck. I did not even sleep last night. No, it was not the excitement but I have a bad habit for not sleeping at nights. GOD help me before I loose it…
EID used to be very special moments in my life. I was just chatting with a friend of mine who is in Germany & he was with his friends. I remember, me & a few others used to arrange a party every first day of EID. There were 15-20 kids & boys having food & then games & we used to start this at 1:30 pm & end it at 4:30 pm. Those were really great days. I still remember that I was the one that was trusted by everyone & the whole collected amount was given to me. Thank you guys for believing in me & for your trust.
Again Peshawar announced EID a day before the rest of Pakistan. I just can’t believe it. This happens every EID. I wonder how could they sight the moon & the rest of the country can’t? Well! This is really a shame. Calling ourselves Muslims & not following anything. Not even thinking for once that the sins of others would be on you as well coz you people are the one making wrong decisions. Hope GOD shows them the right path. How could you follow Saudi Arabia? If you follow them this much then why not following their timings as well? I wonder where these peoples were when brain was getting distributed. They might be looking at the moon at that time as well.
Friday, September 18, 2009
DAY 134
Well well well, looks like warning didn’t make a difference. We got late again. Ha ha ha… Ok this time I actually had an excuse for being late. Me & my friend went to the mosque for the Friday prayer & after that we had a flat tyre. See now it was actually not my fault. Well! My office is great. They understand me & accepted it. So nothing to worry about. The only thing they don’t trust is my friend. (HA HA HA)…
Just read a news that ladies cannot keep a secret for more than 72 hours. Well! True as they cannot keep any news to themselves for more that that time. My friend whose plan got cancelled few days back is now coming to my city for further studies. She was planning to surprise us but she could not coz she told someone & that someone told me & there goes the surprise. By the way that someone is not a lady. She is a man…. SHE… Oh GOD! My sense of humor or my sense of nonsense…
One of my friend is sad & in tension as he is looking for a job & he is running out of time. I wish he find it soon so he can feel relaxed. He mentioned & reminded me of an event which I really don’t remember while we were chatting that once I slapped him while he was trying to change the music & while I was driving & asking him not too. GOD! I really don’t remember it but really feel sad if I actually did it. I did apologize but if you are reading this, I now apologize to you in public…
Last night was a tough one for me. A severe headache was not even letting me sleep. I was feeling so cold that I thought I will fall sick but I only fell on the bed. Recite a few verses of the Holy book & that gave me an actual relief. Then I slept like a baby… Oh before I end, I would like to thank one of my friend for waking me up by an SMS in the morning for SEHRI otherwise, I would have to keep my fast without eating again…
Just read a news that ladies cannot keep a secret for more than 72 hours. Well! True as they cannot keep any news to themselves for more that that time. My friend whose plan got cancelled few days back is now coming to my city for further studies. She was planning to surprise us but she could not coz she told someone & that someone told me & there goes the surprise. By the way that someone is not a lady. She is a man…. SHE… Oh GOD! My sense of humor or my sense of nonsense…
One of my friend is sad & in tension as he is looking for a job & he is running out of time. I wish he find it soon so he can feel relaxed. He mentioned & reminded me of an event which I really don’t remember while we were chatting that once I slapped him while he was trying to change the music & while I was driving & asking him not too. GOD! I really don’t remember it but really feel sad if I actually did it. I did apologize but if you are reading this, I now apologize to you in public…
Last night was a tough one for me. A severe headache was not even letting me sleep. I was feeling so cold that I thought I will fall sick but I only fell on the bed. Recite a few verses of the Holy book & that gave me an actual relief. Then I slept like a baby… Oh before I end, I would like to thank one of my friend for waking me up by an SMS in the morning for SEHRI otherwise, I would have to keep my fast without eating again…
Thursday, September 17, 2009
DAY 133
Today I woke up late & missed my SEHRI (Starting of my fasting) so I started my fast without eating anything & in actual I kept myself away from food for 24 hours coz the last time I ate was last evening when I ended my fast. Even though I did not eat anything, I was quite ok & did not feel hunger or thirst. So thank you GOD…
Today I friend of mine was sharing some beautiful lines that someone quoted in history. Different people with different beautiful quotes & I asked him one simple question. Even I said so many good things, why doesn’t anyone remember that? Guess me not that important or I would have to write a book & get the best distributors & good marketing. Then people might remember few good lines of mine.
A few people actually emailed me, messaged me or sent me sms & asking weather Mr. Ronit Roy actually left a comment there on my blog 2 days back. Well! It was even hard for me to believe but yes he did leave a comment.
Fourth day & me & my friend were continues late in the office so an email from admin was sent to us & asking for explanation. I just replied saying:
I do apologize & will be careful next time. There is no actual reason of my being late so no excuses from my end.
Few others were also asked the same question but everyone was with an excuse. I know there was no excuse so why lie. It was me or my friend getting late coz we started the journey late. Let’s see what would be the reply.
Today I friend of mine was sharing some beautiful lines that someone quoted in history. Different people with different beautiful quotes & I asked him one simple question. Even I said so many good things, why doesn’t anyone remember that? Guess me not that important or I would have to write a book & get the best distributors & good marketing. Then people might remember few good lines of mine.
A few people actually emailed me, messaged me or sent me sms & asking weather Mr. Ronit Roy actually left a comment there on my blog 2 days back. Well! It was even hard for me to believe but yes he did leave a comment.
Fourth day & me & my friend were continues late in the office so an email from admin was sent to us & asking for explanation. I just replied saying:
I do apologize & will be careful next time. There is no actual reason of my being late so no excuses from my end.
Few others were also asked the same question but everyone was with an excuse. I know there was no excuse so why lie. It was me or my friend getting late coz we started the journey late. Let’s see what would be the reply.
Wednesday, September 16, 2009
DAY 132
I had one of the great days of my life yesterday. I received a smile on my last blog on Facebook by one of the great Indian TV actor Mr. Ronit Roy also famously known as “Mr. Bajaj”. He actually read my blog & left a smily on the comment box. It took me 5-10 minutes to actually believe even looking at it that it is really there. Yes it was. It was actually him reading my lines. I really cannot explain the way I felt looking at that smily. It actually turned my ordinary day into a great one to remember. I am a really big fan of “Mr. Amitabh Bachchan” & I regularly reads his blog & do leave comments time to time but never received a response yet. Mr. Ronit Roy is also known as Amitabh Bachchan of Indian TV. So for me it was not just a smily. It was more than that. Thank you Mr. Roy for making my day yesterday by being on my blog. I really wish you happiness & lots of success in life.
EID is not that far now. It’s just few days far & everyone I met says that time flew away so fast. True that time is running away like nothing. Every time in the country when the time comes to observe the moon for the next month, the department that is being assigned to this job always fails to view it. Hopefully this happens again. Why? Coz even if I hope the opposite, it will still happen. I wonder what type of telescopes they use. Do they even remove the cover from the other end? Do they look up in the sky for the moon or do they view a certain house & wait for the moon (CHAND) to appear on the rooftop or in the window?
My dear friend who was planning to shift to my city for further studies, her plan got cancelled. This was really sad as she had so many plans for upcoming days but sometimes things are not in our hand. Sometimes everything doesn’t work out the way we want. Even I feel so much sad as I was looking forward to it as well coz I know we would have enjoyed a lot. All three of us join together & could have had best days of our lives by enjoying every moment but sadly it would not happen. Well! Happiness is for short period but sadness remains long. So in other words, happiness is faithless & sadness is long lasting faithful partner.
EID is not that far now. It’s just few days far & everyone I met says that time flew away so fast. True that time is running away like nothing. Every time in the country when the time comes to observe the moon for the next month, the department that is being assigned to this job always fails to view it. Hopefully this happens again. Why? Coz even if I hope the opposite, it will still happen. I wonder what type of telescopes they use. Do they even remove the cover from the other end? Do they look up in the sky for the moon or do they view a certain house & wait for the moon (CHAND) to appear on the rooftop or in the window?
My dear friend who was planning to shift to my city for further studies, her plan got cancelled. This was really sad as she had so many plans for upcoming days but sometimes things are not in our hand. Sometimes everything doesn’t work out the way we want. Even I feel so much sad as I was looking forward to it as well coz I know we would have enjoyed a lot. All three of us join together & could have had best days of our lives by enjoying every moment but sadly it would not happen. Well! Happiness is for short period but sadness remains long. So in other words, happiness is faithless & sadness is long lasting faithful partner.
Tuesday, September 15, 2009
DAY 131
Can you believe it? I actually slept last night. How? I don’t know but I know why. I had to keep a promise, that’s why. A friend of mine is in a state of mind that she might shift to my city so for her I had to be up early in the morning & out on the street in search of a decent girl’s hostel & in the end I actually achieved 90% of my target. I had all the required info & I passed it on to her but in return she said thank you in her own lovely style which really made me forget all the tiredness of the day. She actually dedicated today's blog to me & honestly she has started it today after months. So the first blog to me after so many months. So I would like to tell her that my cute friend, I will always be there for you. Honestly I did it just to help her out & making others happy gives me happiness & a unique inner satisfaction.
Another good friend of mine asked me yesterday that why I keep writing depressed blogs. Well! I just answered him that nothing good happened in life for so many days but no really I have to change it coz good thing don’t happen, you have to create them. So thank you buddy for pointing it out & hopefully my blogs will change.
Yesterday India won the Cricket final against Sri Lanka & the main difference was master blaster Sachin Tendulkar. Just looking at the scores & chatting with my old friend took me back to my old memories. The time when we used to play on the streets of Aziziyah (Jeddah - Saudi Arabia). I still remember the way I was crazy about cricket. My passion for this game can be measured by this that I had a minor operation & the day I came back home, I was among my friends & ready to play. I was not even in a position to run as I had a huge hole in the back of my right leg near the hip portion but my crazy heart wanted to play. My father actually grabbed my hand and asked me to get back inside the house & on the bed. I still remember the pain in the leg & I had to keep on visiting the doctor weekly for almost one & a half months to get the examination & change of bandages + medicine. GOD! I was so crazy about it but I have now almost lost it. The last time I played cricket was back in 2002. Memories memories…
So two good things happened. I slept last night & I made someone happy. See dear friend, my blog changed. It’s now happy happy. It is not depressing anymore. At least not for today. So you see I do accept advises. Me not a bad guy after all…
Another good friend of mine asked me yesterday that why I keep writing depressed blogs. Well! I just answered him that nothing good happened in life for so many days but no really I have to change it coz good thing don’t happen, you have to create them. So thank you buddy for pointing it out & hopefully my blogs will change.
Yesterday India won the Cricket final against Sri Lanka & the main difference was master blaster Sachin Tendulkar. Just looking at the scores & chatting with my old friend took me back to my old memories. The time when we used to play on the streets of Aziziyah (Jeddah - Saudi Arabia). I still remember the way I was crazy about cricket. My passion for this game can be measured by this that I had a minor operation & the day I came back home, I was among my friends & ready to play. I was not even in a position to run as I had a huge hole in the back of my right leg near the hip portion but my crazy heart wanted to play. My father actually grabbed my hand and asked me to get back inside the house & on the bed. I still remember the pain in the leg & I had to keep on visiting the doctor weekly for almost one & a half months to get the examination & change of bandages + medicine. GOD! I was so crazy about it but I have now almost lost it. The last time I played cricket was back in 2002. Memories memories…
So two good things happened. I slept last night & I made someone happy. See dear friend, my blog changed. It’s now happy happy. It is not depressing anymore. At least not for today. So you see I do accept advises. Me not a bad guy after all…
Monday, September 14, 2009
DAY 130
At last I did spend the weekend as I planned few days back. Improvement, improvement. Both the days (SAT & SUN) I went out with the family so they can shop for upcoming EID but strangely the shopping has not ended yet. One the world most difficult task is to shop with ladies. They will take you into 10-15 shops & will come out empty handed & then might go to the first shop & make the purchase or might say “Let’s change the bazaar. Let’s go somewhere else”.
While I was out last night I kept myself busy in observing faces around me. Really, if you start thinking, you would observe that every face that you see would be different from the previous one. So million people around you with million faces on their shoulders. WOW! Amazing, isn’t it. GOD you are great.
It has now been almost 15 days & I have not slept at nights. Somehow I am in a process of converting into an owl. This is now really getting on my nerves. Even if I try to sleep, I just can’t. I wonder where I lost my sleep. Last night I was awake & slept at 5:30 in the morning but woke up again at 08:00. Reason? Well two of my close friends started a new fight. Infect only of them started it & it kept on going towards a bad situation. I was about to finish it when a stupid SMS converted it into a hell. GOD! They should introduce PUNCH service in mobiles so you can press a button & the person on the other end can get a good hard punch for being stupid.
While this fight was in process, I was thinking that when you have good friends around you, you always feel nice. When ever any of us get sad, hurt or even fight, the other one jumps in to rescue. I love this rescue thing coz after helping in ending a fight always gives happiness. An inner satisfaction is produced when you make a sad face happy or you try to reduce a friend’s pain just by being there for him/her, helping with words, or even being a good listener. Yes! Friendship is a blessing & especially if you have real good, caring & loving friends. Arguments & fights in a relationship sometimes do make the relation stronger but that is only if the level of respect & love is maintained. Otherwise, you might loose a good friend.
While I was out last night I kept myself busy in observing faces around me. Really, if you start thinking, you would observe that every face that you see would be different from the previous one. So million people around you with million faces on their shoulders. WOW! Amazing, isn’t it. GOD you are great.
It has now been almost 15 days & I have not slept at nights. Somehow I am in a process of converting into an owl. This is now really getting on my nerves. Even if I try to sleep, I just can’t. I wonder where I lost my sleep. Last night I was awake & slept at 5:30 in the morning but woke up again at 08:00. Reason? Well two of my close friends started a new fight. Infect only of them started it & it kept on going towards a bad situation. I was about to finish it when a stupid SMS converted it into a hell. GOD! They should introduce PUNCH service in mobiles so you can press a button & the person on the other end can get a good hard punch for being stupid.
While this fight was in process, I was thinking that when you have good friends around you, you always feel nice. When ever any of us get sad, hurt or even fight, the other one jumps in to rescue. I love this rescue thing coz after helping in ending a fight always gives happiness. An inner satisfaction is produced when you make a sad face happy or you try to reduce a friend’s pain just by being there for him/her, helping with words, or even being a good listener. Yes! Friendship is a blessing & especially if you have real good, caring & loving friends. Arguments & fights in a relationship sometimes do make the relation stronger but that is only if the level of respect & love is maintained. Otherwise, you might loose a good friend.
Friday, September 11, 2009
DAY 127
Is it hard to apologize if you are on fault? For me no, so today I apologize to a friend of mine with whom I don’t know why but I had broken the relation. Yes! It was my fault. I really hate myself sometimes for hurting others & then eventually I hurt myself but now I’m happy as my apology got accepted. I really need to change myself. I am so bad in relations & at some stage I just let them go for no good reason & don’t’ even try to make it up with others. I will change. I have to because I just can’t keep on hurting myself. By the way, I again missed the whole last night as again I did not sleep. I wish I could do this tonight.
Could you kill someone for only 900Rs???? Could you??? Would you??? GOD I just can’t believe this. A person got killed in an argument with the car rental owners in Lahore. The argument was on ONLY 900Rs. The owners killed him just for 900Rs. What kind of humans are they??? Oh sorry, they are not humans at all. They are an absolute disgrace for human beings & living nature. GOD when will this stop?
A Member of Parliament has just asked to hang those Army Generals that were involved in breaking the constitution of the country. He even asked the ones that are dead to dig them out of their graves & hang them. What the hell is this???? Will they be still sitting inside the grave waiting for the trail??? What stupid thing is this? The one that is dead is dead. Let them go because they are gone. Forget them. Why not hang the current politicians. Nearly all of them are corrupt. All of them break laws & still are at the top positions. The President is one big hell of an example. How about hanging him? He would look even nice while hanging. The whole country knows his actions but no Member of Parliament has the guts to speak against him? Why? The only reason I see is that they want to keep their positions in the Parliament.
Could you kill someone for only 900Rs???? Could you??? Would you??? GOD I just can’t believe this. A person got killed in an argument with the car rental owners in Lahore. The argument was on ONLY 900Rs. The owners killed him just for 900Rs. What kind of humans are they??? Oh sorry, they are not humans at all. They are an absolute disgrace for human beings & living nature. GOD when will this stop?
A Member of Parliament has just asked to hang those Army Generals that were involved in breaking the constitution of the country. He even asked the ones that are dead to dig them out of their graves & hang them. What the hell is this???? Will they be still sitting inside the grave waiting for the trail??? What stupid thing is this? The one that is dead is dead. Let them go because they are gone. Forget them. Why not hang the current politicians. Nearly all of them are corrupt. All of them break laws & still are at the top positions. The President is one big hell of an example. How about hanging him? He would look even nice while hanging. The whole country knows his actions but no Member of Parliament has the guts to speak against him? Why? The only reason I see is that they want to keep their positions in the Parliament.
Thursday, September 10, 2009
DAY 126
Do you believe in lucky charm things? Well! Honestly I don’t but somehow I am having a feeling that it works. It has been 10 days since I broke a relation & now I am starting to feel that the person was lucky for me coz for the past 10 days, I have not had a single good news or in other words you can say my bad luck started. Maybe that person was lucky for me but now what done has done. So bad luck or no luck, I have to continue my life.
After almost 5 days, I had my first night sleep last night. I have not been sleeping for the past 5 days properly. Been awake the whole nights & slept for almost 3-4 hours & was thinking I might be proceeding towards the illness called insomnia. I had no idea why I was sleepless & why I was not feeling sleepy even when every member of the house was asleep. Maybe I was about to become an owl but somehow I managed to change it.
Ten more days to go & then the Holy month of Ramadan will end. So in other words EID is on its way & again I have no excitement for it. I am not planning to purchase anything for me on EID. There were times when the excitement was alive in my heart & there was a joy, happiness for the upcoming EID but now it all seems to be vanished. It has been more than 5 years & I have not celebrated EID the way I used to. I used to buy new clothes, shoes & some other stuff as well but not anymore. Now the shopping is only for the family & for me is only expenditures but I don’t mind spending on these occasions as it is a happy moment although I don’t feel it. So what if I don’t feel it, others do & so does my family. So the next week is planned for shopping. Wow! I have actually planned my weekend as I was thinking few days back. A good improvement indeed.
After almost 5 days, I had my first night sleep last night. I have not been sleeping for the past 5 days properly. Been awake the whole nights & slept for almost 3-4 hours & was thinking I might be proceeding towards the illness called insomnia. I had no idea why I was sleepless & why I was not feeling sleepy even when every member of the house was asleep. Maybe I was about to become an owl but somehow I managed to change it.
Ten more days to go & then the Holy month of Ramadan will end. So in other words EID is on its way & again I have no excitement for it. I am not planning to purchase anything for me on EID. There were times when the excitement was alive in my heart & there was a joy, happiness for the upcoming EID but now it all seems to be vanished. It has been more than 5 years & I have not celebrated EID the way I used to. I used to buy new clothes, shoes & some other stuff as well but not anymore. Now the shopping is only for the family & for me is only expenditures but I don’t mind spending on these occasions as it is a happy moment although I don’t feel it. So what if I don’t feel it, others do & so does my family. So the next week is planned for shopping. Wow! I have actually planned my weekend as I was thinking few days back. A good improvement indeed.
Sunday, September 6, 2009
DAY 122
I am starting to hate weekends now. They are so boring. When I see them approaching, I tell myself, “Good, I will relax” but then when they approach, I just can’t relax the whole two days so I want the week days back. Guess! I have to start planning my weekends. I think I should go out, have lunches, dinners, should look around, travel & feel the difference in air. Yes! I felt it. It’s more polluted now. Hmm… that proves we are improving. Now I can say we are in a process of development. At least we are improving in something.
Weekdays are always better as you don’t have to waste your brain in planning anything coz you have to do the normal & decided activities. Wakeup, get ready, go to the office, comeback, have dinner & sleep. See, how planned it is. No need to add up anything. If you have an extra job, put it in the pending basket for the weekends and on the weekends, put them on hold till the next one.
I get so relaxed on weekends that I don’t even feel writing anything. Although I don’t actually have to write but just have to type. The relaxation converts me into a lazy person & I don’t feel doing anything at all. So now I have decided that I will plan every weekend in order to avoid laziness but will do that next week coz cannot add up any extra job in weekdays & hope that I will not put this on hold for the week after the next week.
Weekdays are always better as you don’t have to waste your brain in planning anything coz you have to do the normal & decided activities. Wakeup, get ready, go to the office, comeback, have dinner & sleep. See, how planned it is. No need to add up anything. If you have an extra job, put it in the pending basket for the weekends and on the weekends, put them on hold till the next one.
I get so relaxed on weekends that I don’t even feel writing anything. Although I don’t actually have to write but just have to type. The relaxation converts me into a lazy person & I don’t feel doing anything at all. So now I have decided that I will plan every weekend in order to avoid laziness but will do that next week coz cannot add up any extra job in weekdays & hope that I will not put this on hold for the week after the next week.
Friday, September 4, 2009
DAY 120
So another day passed in life. Last night I had a fight with a person online that I personally never knew. I had been rude to him for no reason. I was so tired & sleepy after the long day & Nikkah ceremony that I started being rude with him for no reason & he is a friend of one of my family’s member. After 20-30 minutes passed, I just sent him an apology offline message & told him that how sorry I was feeling. After that I went to sleep.
Today I started a new day with no excitement in life & no destination. Somehow I just have to pass the day. So I did the usual thing that I do everyday & then to the office. There everyone wanted to know the story about the Nikkah ceremony so I just asked them to read the blog coz I cannot explain every moment as some things are meant to keep in the corner of your heart. My dear friend disappointed me today. Yesterday he got married & today he changed. Well! I honestly have no expectation from anyone anymore. That is the only reason I say that I don’t have any best friend but just friends as when you start making them best then you expect more from them & if at some stage they do not fall on your expectation then you get yourself hurt. I SMS him and while saying something during SMS exchange, I used his wife’s name as I always used to do but today he mind & said don’t call her by name. For you she is “BHABI” (Brother’s wife) & I just replied him saying don’t worry I would never call her anyway. This was really not good to say. Why do you mind now when you never did before & why should I call her BHABI when I don’t keep relations like brother & sister with anyone and especially with friends? I am elder than both of them so why can’t I call her by name? You see this is the only reason I don’t call anyone best because with the passage of time they change & then at some stage they can’t be best.
The person with whom I had a fight online last night, he added me on the messenger & then he asked me to be his big brother. I don’t really know why but whom ever I involve in a fight, they always transfer into my friends at some stage of life. I told him that sorry I don’t keep relations like brother & sister but we can always be friends if you like. He said why you don’t keep these relations. So I answered him that I always ended up breaking those. He said do you know that the person who breaks relation would never enter the Heaven. I had no answer but one. One person can never run a relation alone. So what if no one is with me. I have GOD with me. That is the only reason I love the following song: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ab2pMJY65i0
AIK DIN KISI FAQEER NAY, IK BAAT KAHI THI
AB JAKAY DIL NAY MANA, WOH BAAT SAHI THI
JIS KA KOI NAHI US KA TO KHUDA HAI YAROON
MAIN NAHI KEHTA, KITABOON MAIN LIKHA HAI YAROON
HUM TO KIA HAIN WOH FARISHTON KO AZMATA HAI
BANA KAR HUM KO MITATA HAI PHIR BANATA HAI
ADMI TOOT KAY SO BAAR JURA HAI YAROON
JIS KA KOI NAHI US KA TO KHUDA HAI YAROON
IMTAHANON KA YAHAN DOOR YOHIN CHALTA HAI
ANDHIYON MAIN BHI UMEEDON KA DIA JALTA HAI
KAL KI UMEED PAY INSAAN JIA HAI YAROON
JIS KA KOI NAHI US KA TO KHUDA HAI YAROON
KAB TALAK HUM SAY YEH TAQDEER BHALA ROTHAY GI
IN ANDHEROON SAY UJALAY KI KIRAN PHOTAY GI
GHUM KAY DAMAN MAIN KAHIN CHAIN CHUPA HAI YAROON
JIS KA KOI NAHI US KA TO KHUDA HAI YAROON
MAIN NAHI KEHTA, KITABOON MAIN LIKHA HAI YAROON
Today I started a new day with no excitement in life & no destination. Somehow I just have to pass the day. So I did the usual thing that I do everyday & then to the office. There everyone wanted to know the story about the Nikkah ceremony so I just asked them to read the blog coz I cannot explain every moment as some things are meant to keep in the corner of your heart. My dear friend disappointed me today. Yesterday he got married & today he changed. Well! I honestly have no expectation from anyone anymore. That is the only reason I say that I don’t have any best friend but just friends as when you start making them best then you expect more from them & if at some stage they do not fall on your expectation then you get yourself hurt. I SMS him and while saying something during SMS exchange, I used his wife’s name as I always used to do but today he mind & said don’t call her by name. For you she is “BHABI” (Brother’s wife) & I just replied him saying don’t worry I would never call her anyway. This was really not good to say. Why do you mind now when you never did before & why should I call her BHABI when I don’t keep relations like brother & sister with anyone and especially with friends? I am elder than both of them so why can’t I call her by name? You see this is the only reason I don’t call anyone best because with the passage of time they change & then at some stage they can’t be best.
The person with whom I had a fight online last night, he added me on the messenger & then he asked me to be his big brother. I don’t really know why but whom ever I involve in a fight, they always transfer into my friends at some stage of life. I told him that sorry I don’t keep relations like brother & sister but we can always be friends if you like. He said why you don’t keep these relations. So I answered him that I always ended up breaking those. He said do you know that the person who breaks relation would never enter the Heaven. I had no answer but one. One person can never run a relation alone. So what if no one is with me. I have GOD with me. That is the only reason I love the following song: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ab2pMJY65i0
AIK DIN KISI FAQEER NAY, IK BAAT KAHI THI
AB JAKAY DIL NAY MANA, WOH BAAT SAHI THI
JIS KA KOI NAHI US KA TO KHUDA HAI YAROON
MAIN NAHI KEHTA, KITABOON MAIN LIKHA HAI YAROON
HUM TO KIA HAIN WOH FARISHTON KO AZMATA HAI
BANA KAR HUM KO MITATA HAI PHIR BANATA HAI
ADMI TOOT KAY SO BAAR JURA HAI YAROON
JIS KA KOI NAHI US KA TO KHUDA HAI YAROON
IMTAHANON KA YAHAN DOOR YOHIN CHALTA HAI
ANDHIYON MAIN BHI UMEEDON KA DIA JALTA HAI
KAL KI UMEED PAY INSAAN JIA HAI YAROON
JIS KA KOI NAHI US KA TO KHUDA HAI YAROON
KAB TALAK HUM SAY YEH TAQDEER BHALA ROTHAY GI
IN ANDHEROON SAY UJALAY KI KIRAN PHOTAY GI
GHUM KAY DAMAN MAIN KAHIN CHAIN CHUPA HAI YAROON
JIS KA KOI NAHI US KA TO KHUDA HAI YAROON
MAIN NAHI KEHTA, KITABOON MAIN LIKHA HAI YAROON
Thursday, September 3, 2009
DAY 119
I had to attend the Nikkah ceremony of my friend last night & I had to keep a smile on my face all the time as well. This was really hard. I can’t keep a smile on my face anymore. I just can’t. I have broken myself into so many pieces & now it will at least take another 2-3 years of my life to bring me back into normal condition.
That dream had hurt me & I have hurt myself as well. I really did not want to go but a promise is a promise & I have to keep it. The deal of friends forever is still on with him so I had to be there. Although my heart was really sad & full of pain but I did somehow manage to keep my sense of humor alive.
It was a busy day. I had to shave, had to go to the tailor to get my pant fixed & then the painful dream all the way with me hurting me from inside. A relation I broke yesterday was even more painful but sometimes you have to hurt yourself, so I did.
My friend asked me to be at his place at 03:30pm but he himself was never ready. I SMS him that I’m on the way & he said no please come after 30 minutes. So I went at 05:00 coz I know his 30 minutes, it’s like weeks. When I reached there he was not even dressed the way a groom should be. So I reminded him that Nikkah is today. I met 3-4 of his other friends that I never met before. With one of them I did chat online & he was so much in me & I told him “NO I’M NOT GAY”…
Arriving at the hotel where the event was planned, flowers were showered on us. We being his friends were treated like important people. This I really liked. So we went inside & after 5 minutes the ceremony started. I & other of his friends were all standing behind him on stage while he was sitting on the sofa especially placed for the bride & the groom. My friend was so nervous while they were filling the paper “NIKKAH NAMA”. He was sitting on the sofa like if sitting on a plane which is about to take off & he is scared of heights. We kept joking with him & teasing him throughout the signing & acceptance process. I wonder why the Qazi only asked him once if he accepts her as it is three times. When I asked the Qazi, he said I did for him 2 times. GOD my friend was sitting with the Qazi who accepted his bride twice & he did only once. I even joked with my friend while he was signing that do those signatures which you have never done before so you can easily escape later. He had to sign 4 papers & I know even the sign on his cheques are always mismatched so I joked with him saying don’t mismatch the signs otherwise the Nikkah will be bounced back. Meanwhile the video & still cameras were all on us. After that process, all the friends hugged him & while I hugged him, I said “CONGRATES! NOW YOU ARE TRAPPPED”. Then we were back on our seats & then after few minutes, the bride came. I am not going to comment on her as I respect my friend & I respect every person related to him but yes she was looking nice. Her dress was cool. She was really not that nervous from her face as my friend was. GOD my friend was like someone has chained him there & he want to run away. I know he was happy but he was so scared at the same time. I wonder why.
The next step was the Ifftar. Honestly I did not like the food there. It was just ok & I did not like the waiters there. They were just bumping into people like if pushing them & making their way. After having my Ifftar I looked around & noticed that there were only 2 people who were wearing suits including me. Others were all in casual. GOD I cannot believe it. Even the father of the bride was casual. I was really planning to go there in my jeans but as it was my first Nikkah ceremony of a friend so I wear my suit.
Photo session started & lots of lights & camera all over the groom & the bride. I was once again all alone in the crowd. I really hate being in crowds. I never enjoy it. I was just observing people & my surrounding. I was trying to read faces while kept quiet all the time. My friend did ask me to come over as he wanted me to meet the bride but GOD I’m a shy person & I just could not. I told him by hand signs, later buddy. I really don’t know what to say to a person I meet without knowing him/her. I can say anything or start a conversation online but when it comes to face to face, I fail…
So then it was the dinner time. We all had dinner but again the food was just ok. I was really not even feeling to have any. Broken heart with full of pain doesn’t allow me to eat mostly. So I just ate little & I even skipped the sweet. In all this time I kept looking at the surrounding & observing people & sometimes was looking at the couple. While I was walking here and there, my friend did point towards me & told the bride that the person over there is my stupid friend. Nah! I really don’t know what he said but I gave them a naughty look with a smile. After food I was really so much tired as I was awake since 07:30 in the morning & I wanted to go home & have some rest but new photo session started. All this time I was the only friend who did not speak to the bride. I really don’t know what she would be thinking about me but I’m really sorry as I just could not say anything to her. It’s really in my nature to be reserved and a bit shy until I really don’t know the person. So please do accept my apology madam.
Oh! People even noticed that I was quiet all the time. Unexpectedly, bride’s father came to me & asked me that why am I all alone & not talking a lot. I just told him coz of my nature & then he asked me do I work with my friend in the same office and I answered yes.
09:30 I told my friend that now I’m going after having last few photos & then I left. I walked all the way home as I wanted to be all alone & lots of thoughts on my mind. I really don’t know why I don’t share all my feelings…
That dream had hurt me & I have hurt myself as well. I really did not want to go but a promise is a promise & I have to keep it. The deal of friends forever is still on with him so I had to be there. Although my heart was really sad & full of pain but I did somehow manage to keep my sense of humor alive.
It was a busy day. I had to shave, had to go to the tailor to get my pant fixed & then the painful dream all the way with me hurting me from inside. A relation I broke yesterday was even more painful but sometimes you have to hurt yourself, so I did.
My friend asked me to be at his place at 03:30pm but he himself was never ready. I SMS him that I’m on the way & he said no please come after 30 minutes. So I went at 05:00 coz I know his 30 minutes, it’s like weeks. When I reached there he was not even dressed the way a groom should be. So I reminded him that Nikkah is today. I met 3-4 of his other friends that I never met before. With one of them I did chat online & he was so much in me & I told him “NO I’M NOT GAY”…
Arriving at the hotel where the event was planned, flowers were showered on us. We being his friends were treated like important people. This I really liked. So we went inside & after 5 minutes the ceremony started. I & other of his friends were all standing behind him on stage while he was sitting on the sofa especially placed for the bride & the groom. My friend was so nervous while they were filling the paper “NIKKAH NAMA”. He was sitting on the sofa like if sitting on a plane which is about to take off & he is scared of heights. We kept joking with him & teasing him throughout the signing & acceptance process. I wonder why the Qazi only asked him once if he accepts her as it is three times. When I asked the Qazi, he said I did for him 2 times. GOD my friend was sitting with the Qazi who accepted his bride twice & he did only once. I even joked with my friend while he was signing that do those signatures which you have never done before so you can easily escape later. He had to sign 4 papers & I know even the sign on his cheques are always mismatched so I joked with him saying don’t mismatch the signs otherwise the Nikkah will be bounced back. Meanwhile the video & still cameras were all on us. After that process, all the friends hugged him & while I hugged him, I said “CONGRATES! NOW YOU ARE TRAPPPED”. Then we were back on our seats & then after few minutes, the bride came. I am not going to comment on her as I respect my friend & I respect every person related to him but yes she was looking nice. Her dress was cool. She was really not that nervous from her face as my friend was. GOD my friend was like someone has chained him there & he want to run away. I know he was happy but he was so scared at the same time. I wonder why.
The next step was the Ifftar. Honestly I did not like the food there. It was just ok & I did not like the waiters there. They were just bumping into people like if pushing them & making their way. After having my Ifftar I looked around & noticed that there were only 2 people who were wearing suits including me. Others were all in casual. GOD I cannot believe it. Even the father of the bride was casual. I was really planning to go there in my jeans but as it was my first Nikkah ceremony of a friend so I wear my suit.
Photo session started & lots of lights & camera all over the groom & the bride. I was once again all alone in the crowd. I really hate being in crowds. I never enjoy it. I was just observing people & my surrounding. I was trying to read faces while kept quiet all the time. My friend did ask me to come over as he wanted me to meet the bride but GOD I’m a shy person & I just could not. I told him by hand signs, later buddy. I really don’t know what to say to a person I meet without knowing him/her. I can say anything or start a conversation online but when it comes to face to face, I fail…
So then it was the dinner time. We all had dinner but again the food was just ok. I was really not even feeling to have any. Broken heart with full of pain doesn’t allow me to eat mostly. So I just ate little & I even skipped the sweet. In all this time I kept looking at the surrounding & observing people & sometimes was looking at the couple. While I was walking here and there, my friend did point towards me & told the bride that the person over there is my stupid friend. Nah! I really don’t know what he said but I gave them a naughty look with a smile. After food I was really so much tired as I was awake since 07:30 in the morning & I wanted to go home & have some rest but new photo session started. All this time I was the only friend who did not speak to the bride. I really don’t know what she would be thinking about me but I’m really sorry as I just could not say anything to her. It’s really in my nature to be reserved and a bit shy until I really don’t know the person. So please do accept my apology madam.
Oh! People even noticed that I was quiet all the time. Unexpectedly, bride’s father came to me & asked me that why am I all alone & not talking a lot. I just told him coz of my nature & then he asked me do I work with my friend in the same office and I answered yes.
09:30 I told my friend that now I’m going after having last few photos & then I left. I walked all the way home as I wanted to be all alone & lots of thoughts on my mind. I really don’t know why I don’t share all my feelings…
Wednesday, September 2, 2009
DAY 118
A dream woke me up early this morning at 07:30. Every unusual for me indeed because I mostly wake up at 10:30. A very strange & painful dream that scared & hurt me. It all started with me standing all alone in a huge crowd in the house. I saw people all around me. Laughing, teasing, giggling, chatting & having fun but me standing all alone & with a secret in my heart. Then a flashback… Someone is telling me that the person I loved the most (My father) is going to be hanged. This has been ordered by the court. I am looking at the face of that person with a question mark expression that how come. He has passed away long time back. Did he not? Was he here all the time? Did he come back from it? But no answers only questions.
Now back in the crowd standing all alone starring at my surrounding. Then I stepped into the crowd & started finding my family members. Searching for them in every corner of the house. Finding them all in different locations having fun with people around them & enjoying. I wanted to gather them at one location to inform them but I could not as if something was stopping me.
I started looking for my mom & spotted her in the crowd but when I reached near her, she disappeared. With pain on my face, I started looking all over & came to a closed door. I opened it & there I entered in a room. I saw my mom lying on the bed & sleeping. I approached her with pain & woke her up. She looked at me. I told her regarding Father & she started to cry. I hugged her & while doing that asking her to be brave and adding a line saying that he came from death before & he will do it again, don’t worry. Then I asked her to rest & let me get others so I can inform them as well. I stepped out the room in the same loudly crowd in search of my blood relations. I was still unable to gather them at one point. When I looked at their faces, all of them were so happy & enjoying that I could not tell them a thing. I left the house & the scene changes.
I’m somewhere in a hallway. There are three to four people telling me the story that how someone framed my father in this mess. I am starring at them with no expressions like if I am dead but still standing there & listening to every word they say. After all that, one of them pointed at one direction & while saying that there is your father. I looked at that direction & saw him sitting there beside a wall with a mixture of expressions on his face & reciting the verses of the Holy Quran. I walked towards him & when he saw me approaching, he stood up & I hugged him while saying, you came back before & you can do it again. Just be brave & leave it in the court of the Almighty. He said nothing & then we walked towards a huge hall. Entering there I saw few others sitting beside the walls with tensed faces like if they will be punished too.
We were standing there looking at each other when suddenly the door opens & two judges, a police officer & few others entered the hall. They looked at my father as if it is the time. I hugged him again & asked him be brave & had a hand shake & was about to leave when the police officer stopped me as if he wanted me to stay & watch. I tired to get my hand released as I could never see that but was not able too. A person gave my father a piece of paper & asked him to sign. This was the first time when my father spoke & asked him where to sign but as soon as he said that, tears started slipping down from his eyes & in so many quantity that his shirt got all wet & I ran towards him while getting my hand released by the officer & I hugged him so hard while hiding my face & turning it to the other side because at this moment I could not be brave myself & I was not able to hide my expressions.
Then I woke up while looking around me as if I am still searching for my father. GOD it was a dream. Was it? If yes then why I feel tears scrolling down? I looked outside the room & looked up the sky with a pain in my heart & I started reciting the Holy Quran. GOD I still feel that pain & really don’t know what to do. I have not shared this dream with any one as I just can’t tell. So I am writing it. The pain does not allow me to speak it out & the hidden truth in my heart is something I cannot revel. After that I did try to sleep but just could not coz whenever I was trying to close my eyes, I saw my father crying… Guess! I would never be able to sleep now…
Now back in the crowd standing all alone starring at my surrounding. Then I stepped into the crowd & started finding my family members. Searching for them in every corner of the house. Finding them all in different locations having fun with people around them & enjoying. I wanted to gather them at one location to inform them but I could not as if something was stopping me.
I started looking for my mom & spotted her in the crowd but when I reached near her, she disappeared. With pain on my face, I started looking all over & came to a closed door. I opened it & there I entered in a room. I saw my mom lying on the bed & sleeping. I approached her with pain & woke her up. She looked at me. I told her regarding Father & she started to cry. I hugged her & while doing that asking her to be brave and adding a line saying that he came from death before & he will do it again, don’t worry. Then I asked her to rest & let me get others so I can inform them as well. I stepped out the room in the same loudly crowd in search of my blood relations. I was still unable to gather them at one point. When I looked at their faces, all of them were so happy & enjoying that I could not tell them a thing. I left the house & the scene changes.
I’m somewhere in a hallway. There are three to four people telling me the story that how someone framed my father in this mess. I am starring at them with no expressions like if I am dead but still standing there & listening to every word they say. After all that, one of them pointed at one direction & while saying that there is your father. I looked at that direction & saw him sitting there beside a wall with a mixture of expressions on his face & reciting the verses of the Holy Quran. I walked towards him & when he saw me approaching, he stood up & I hugged him while saying, you came back before & you can do it again. Just be brave & leave it in the court of the Almighty. He said nothing & then we walked towards a huge hall. Entering there I saw few others sitting beside the walls with tensed faces like if they will be punished too.
We were standing there looking at each other when suddenly the door opens & two judges, a police officer & few others entered the hall. They looked at my father as if it is the time. I hugged him again & asked him be brave & had a hand shake & was about to leave when the police officer stopped me as if he wanted me to stay & watch. I tired to get my hand released as I could never see that but was not able too. A person gave my father a piece of paper & asked him to sign. This was the first time when my father spoke & asked him where to sign but as soon as he said that, tears started slipping down from his eyes & in so many quantity that his shirt got all wet & I ran towards him while getting my hand released by the officer & I hugged him so hard while hiding my face & turning it to the other side because at this moment I could not be brave myself & I was not able to hide my expressions.
Then I woke up while looking around me as if I am still searching for my father. GOD it was a dream. Was it? If yes then why I feel tears scrolling down? I looked outside the room & looked up the sky with a pain in my heart & I started reciting the Holy Quran. GOD I still feel that pain & really don’t know what to do. I have not shared this dream with any one as I just can’t tell. So I am writing it. The pain does not allow me to speak it out & the hidden truth in my heart is something I cannot revel. After that I did try to sleep but just could not coz whenever I was trying to close my eyes, I saw my father crying… Guess! I would never be able to sleep now…
Tuesday, September 1, 2009
DAY 117
And today I broke up another relation. GOD I’m getting expert in this. You see for me relations like brother, sister, father & mother are now dead. I just hate these relations. Why? Well it’s a question that I am really not interested to answer. I still believe that friendship is better than these relations so I always keep my friends on top of these. I am now enjoying hurting peoples. I love ignoring these relations so for me it’s now just words & nothing much. For me my father was really important as I don’t know why but I loved that person. Really don’t know why I cannot love other relations like I loved my father.
So today I broke a deal myself. The deal of “Friends for ever”. In this deal there were three people including me & one of them wanted to be my relative and as I hate my relatives so I cannot be friends with them. So now new deal with my other friend & told him that deal will continue till he stays as a friend. Once he wants to be my brother or something like that & the deal breaks. Well! So for me these things are now games. I think life itself is a game. You keep on playing while keeping a thought that you want to win, you keep on going. Once you loose that winning part, you loose your life.
Ten days of the Holy month of Ramadan are gone & still I have not turned into a better Muslim. I think now I have to be strict with myself before I even loose in the next world. Yes! I know breaking relation is never a quality of a Muslim but sometimes you have to do it. Why? Ok again I am telling you that I am not interested in answering this question.
Yesterday I wrote, I don’t want anything. No happiness, no sadness, no relations, no friends no nothing. Guess it all started today. WOW! Sometimes my words do come true…
So today I broke a deal myself. The deal of “Friends for ever”. In this deal there were three people including me & one of them wanted to be my relative and as I hate my relatives so I cannot be friends with them. So now new deal with my other friend & told him that deal will continue till he stays as a friend. Once he wants to be my brother or something like that & the deal breaks. Well! So for me these things are now games. I think life itself is a game. You keep on playing while keeping a thought that you want to win, you keep on going. Once you loose that winning part, you loose your life.
Ten days of the Holy month of Ramadan are gone & still I have not turned into a better Muslim. I think now I have to be strict with myself before I even loose in the next world. Yes! I know breaking relation is never a quality of a Muslim but sometimes you have to do it. Why? Ok again I am telling you that I am not interested in answering this question.
Yesterday I wrote, I don’t want anything. No happiness, no sadness, no relations, no friends no nothing. Guess it all started today. WOW! Sometimes my words do come true…
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