I kept trying to fix myself by keeping myself away from being online but still I could not fix myself. Then yesterday after a very long time I was feeling much better & was dancing with my cat on different songs. It was a fine morning but as usual happiness always leaves me alone in paths of life after spending just few minutes with me. So the morning was happy & the night was again sad & now I find myself again standing on the same point where I was few days back. Guess I have to fix my brain this time.
Few days back I got a chance to be friends with some very loving, caring & beautiful human beings. Even though I was in my sad mode of life, one of them did talk to me & somehow helped me get back to my normal mode but today that friend of mine is so tensed & I just can’t help. I really want to help & I have even decided that if tension increases, I will visit the city of my friend & will do something to help. I can’t share the problem as I have a promise to keep.
If any of you are reading this blog, please pray for my friend & the family. Can’t write anymore at this moment but only prayers are required for my friend…
Friday, January 28, 2011
Friday, January 21, 2011
DAY 624
After months of time, today I did get a chance to speak to my favorite singer “Aamir Saleem”. I have met him, spoke to him at a number of times but every time after ending the conversation, I feel so excited and so lucky like it was the first time. The most beautiful thing about him is that every time we had a conversation, we spoke like brothers. I really do consider him my elder brother & even he treats me like his own which is really an honor for me.
For the past few days my mobile died on me. So for the past few days I am maybe one of those 15% of people in the country who are living without a mobile phone. Wow! I already feel so lucky :). To be honest now if I don’t have a mobile in my pocket, it feels so strange like this device is now considered to be as important as a wallet in your pocket. That is why when you get robbed, they even take your mobile set too.
Damn! Few minutes back I was so excited & now I feel so sad. Don’t really know why but just I read some lines written by a friend & now I feel sad. I actually don’t agree with the line & I was about to comment on it but then I did not. I wrote it & then I just did not post it. Sometimes I feel words are just words & nothing more. They have nothing in them until they are not pronounced with feelings. I do keep reading different quotations & statuses by my friends on Facebook regarding love, hate or pain but nowadays I somehow hate it all. I even hate poetry nowadays as if it means nothing to me even though I am a poet myself & I do keep writing poetries myself & almost every status of mine on FB is poetry. Nowadays I am not posting any status as if I have nothing to say or I don’t want anything to share. This is one more reason that since this year has started, I have just posted 3 blogs before this one.
Sometimes I really feel I could disappear as 7 years back I did when suddenly back in October 2004 I just went missing & no one was aware of my location. I disconnected all my previous contacts including my family. Now I am in touch with my family but I am still not in touch with lots & lots of people I previously know including one of my 12 year long relation best friend. Still the ones I am in touch, most of them are still unaware of my location. Sometimes I really feel doing that again but this time I have promised a few loved ones that I will be always with them. So I will keep my promise alive till my last breath & I hope they will be with me too till my end.
A few weeks back I was thinking what will happen if one day I am announced as dead. Will people miss me & if they will, for how long? Days, weeks, months or maybe a few years. I think then they will get busy in their lives & maybe my face, my words, my blogs or even my voice will start fading in their memories. Honestly, I don’t even have enough people actually around me who I can call friends in real life (Not talking about online) & if I die, my dead body might be short of shoulders to carry me. I do remember when I was carrying my father’s body on my shoulders from the ambulance towards the Holy Masjid in Makkah (Saudi Arabia) & the distance was a bit long, me & my friends including my younger brother started feeling so tired. We had to carry him back to the graveyard after performing prayers as done in my religion, I was thinking how would we do it but then it was a surprise to me that after the Asar’s prayer, there were so many shoulders to carry him that even me being his own son was not getting a chance & a young boy asked me to leave it & I told him, “No way, he is my father”. My father was one lucky guy but if I look at myself, I really have doubts that I will get enough shoulders. May God help me the same way.
Damn! I should have not written all this. This is one painful blog. Maybe that is one reason I have been skipping blogs & keeping myself hidden in me...
For the past few days my mobile died on me. So for the past few days I am maybe one of those 15% of people in the country who are living without a mobile phone. Wow! I already feel so lucky :). To be honest now if I don’t have a mobile in my pocket, it feels so strange like this device is now considered to be as important as a wallet in your pocket. That is why when you get robbed, they even take your mobile set too.
Damn! Few minutes back I was so excited & now I feel so sad. Don’t really know why but just I read some lines written by a friend & now I feel sad. I actually don’t agree with the line & I was about to comment on it but then I did not. I wrote it & then I just did not post it. Sometimes I feel words are just words & nothing more. They have nothing in them until they are not pronounced with feelings. I do keep reading different quotations & statuses by my friends on Facebook regarding love, hate or pain but nowadays I somehow hate it all. I even hate poetry nowadays as if it means nothing to me even though I am a poet myself & I do keep writing poetries myself & almost every status of mine on FB is poetry. Nowadays I am not posting any status as if I have nothing to say or I don’t want anything to share. This is one more reason that since this year has started, I have just posted 3 blogs before this one.
Sometimes I really feel I could disappear as 7 years back I did when suddenly back in October 2004 I just went missing & no one was aware of my location. I disconnected all my previous contacts including my family. Now I am in touch with my family but I am still not in touch with lots & lots of people I previously know including one of my 12 year long relation best friend. Still the ones I am in touch, most of them are still unaware of my location. Sometimes I really feel doing that again but this time I have promised a few loved ones that I will be always with them. So I will keep my promise alive till my last breath & I hope they will be with me too till my end.
A few weeks back I was thinking what will happen if one day I am announced as dead. Will people miss me & if they will, for how long? Days, weeks, months or maybe a few years. I think then they will get busy in their lives & maybe my face, my words, my blogs or even my voice will start fading in their memories. Honestly, I don’t even have enough people actually around me who I can call friends in real life (Not talking about online) & if I die, my dead body might be short of shoulders to carry me. I do remember when I was carrying my father’s body on my shoulders from the ambulance towards the Holy Masjid in Makkah (Saudi Arabia) & the distance was a bit long, me & my friends including my younger brother started feeling so tired. We had to carry him back to the graveyard after performing prayers as done in my religion, I was thinking how would we do it but then it was a surprise to me that after the Asar’s prayer, there were so many shoulders to carry him that even me being his own son was not getting a chance & a young boy asked me to leave it & I told him, “No way, he is my father”. My father was one lucky guy but if I look at myself, I really have doubts that I will get enough shoulders. May God help me the same way.
Damn! I should have not written all this. This is one painful blog. Maybe that is one reason I have been skipping blogs & keeping myself hidden in me...
Tuesday, January 18, 2011
DAY 621
This is now really getting hard for me to even write a blog. I wonder why. I have so much in me to write but I just can’t write it like maybe I don’t want to share or maybe I go blank when I start writing and than what to share.
The past days have been interesting as I manage to make some more new friends online & some of the are really great people but now if I compare my real life with my online reel life, I feel that I am much better in my reel online life. In my real life & in so many years, I only managed to make 6-7 close friends but online I have made so many. I really don’t know how these great people get so attached to me & what they actually see in me. I am noting but just a very normal human with almost no dreams. I am very scared with relation to be very honest as every time if someone has come near to my heart, no matter what he/she has said, in the end they just leave. Not blaming on them but I have a very unlucky life that keeps throwing great people out of my life. Sometimes I even feel that some out there don’t even miss me anymore as they don’t even try to check if I am ok or surviving including my own blood relations except my mom. I wish one day I could really ask them all that am I that bad that you people just left me & never even care to ask me who I am. I guess I am really bad.
Yesterday, for the first time in my life, I skipped an educational exam. I was not prepared for it so I just skipped it. Never happened in my life before but first time for everything I guess.
Recently I and my friends have started a competition (Hottest male JAN 2011) on 2 different pages of Facebook On both the pages, the creators insisted that I should participate. It is now the 2nd day & till now I am leading on both the pages but on the same time I can loose any day coz I know there are much better people than me. I even noticed that some males did not participate or withdraw as they thought no body is going to vote for them. For me, Winning or loosing is not important. The important thing is that we take part in a competition which proves that we do have the courage & power to face a challenge. At least we do try in this way. The one who tries, do win sooner or later. I know I am excited about it but even if I loose, I will not be heart broken coz I was standing among 38 people to face the challenge. For me all these are winners.
The past days have been interesting as I manage to make some more new friends online & some of the are really great people but now if I compare my real life with my online reel life, I feel that I am much better in my reel online life. In my real life & in so many years, I only managed to make 6-7 close friends but online I have made so many. I really don’t know how these great people get so attached to me & what they actually see in me. I am noting but just a very normal human with almost no dreams. I am very scared with relation to be very honest as every time if someone has come near to my heart, no matter what he/she has said, in the end they just leave. Not blaming on them but I have a very unlucky life that keeps throwing great people out of my life. Sometimes I even feel that some out there don’t even miss me anymore as they don’t even try to check if I am ok or surviving including my own blood relations except my mom. I wish one day I could really ask them all that am I that bad that you people just left me & never even care to ask me who I am. I guess I am really bad.
Yesterday, for the first time in my life, I skipped an educational exam. I was not prepared for it so I just skipped it. Never happened in my life before but first time for everything I guess.
Recently I and my friends have started a competition (Hottest male JAN 2011) on 2 different pages of Facebook On both the pages, the creators insisted that I should participate. It is now the 2nd day & till now I am leading on both the pages but on the same time I can loose any day coz I know there are much better people than me. I even noticed that some males did not participate or withdraw as they thought no body is going to vote for them. For me, Winning or loosing is not important. The important thing is that we take part in a competition which proves that we do have the courage & power to face a challenge. At least we do try in this way. The one who tries, do win sooner or later. I know I am excited about it but even if I loose, I will not be heart broken coz I was standing among 38 people to face the challenge. For me all these are winners.
Tuesday, January 11, 2011
DAY 614
It is now really getting hard for me to write blogs. Every time I sit in front of my system to write, I just go blank. It feels like I am in an examination hall & I don’t know what to write. So this is one reason that I did not post any blogs for the past few days & I kept leaving the pages blank just like an examination sheet.
Oh! That reminds me that I do have to appear in an educational exam next week & I still have not even lifted to books to study. One of my friends bought an accounts book in the office & looking at the size of the book made me kind of scared from studies. He came via public transport & looking at the size of the book people were asking him that what is he doing while he was traveling & I said to him that next time if someone asks you, just answer “Body Building”.
An online friend of mine sent me a SMS after reading my blog saying that by reading my blog he was pushed in his own memories of the past year & he did not find anything that he gained which made him sad. I don’t agree with him coz there were moments & I did mention him those moments when he was so happy last year. So good & bad moments do keep coming & going but yes, good are mostly less.
Recently I have found another great friend online. How says that you can never have real online friends? I disagree with them. I have actually made so many nice friends online & yes thanks to Facebook. I have even met some of them personally but honestly all of them are really great so far.
There was a news about Facebook shutting down on 15th March 2011. Well! To be honest it was not a news but only rumor & I just can’t believe how come people actually believe that so called news. A company who has more than 1000+ employees, a website that is now in more than 64 languages, one of the online top internet social networking company, how come it will be shut down just like that whose owner is a billionaire? The reason that was given was such a stupid one that the CEO "Mark Zuckerberg" wants his old life back and desires to put an end to all the madness. What a bullshit this is. The CEO has to do nothing but to sit there & make a few decisions & the rest is done by the employees. This is not just a job for him but his passion. So please stop believing in such rumors…
Oh! That reminds me that I do have to appear in an educational exam next week & I still have not even lifted to books to study. One of my friends bought an accounts book in the office & looking at the size of the book made me kind of scared from studies. He came via public transport & looking at the size of the book people were asking him that what is he doing while he was traveling & I said to him that next time if someone asks you, just answer “Body Building”.
An online friend of mine sent me a SMS after reading my blog saying that by reading my blog he was pushed in his own memories of the past year & he did not find anything that he gained which made him sad. I don’t agree with him coz there were moments & I did mention him those moments when he was so happy last year. So good & bad moments do keep coming & going but yes, good are mostly less.
Recently I have found another great friend online. How says that you can never have real online friends? I disagree with them. I have actually made so many nice friends online & yes thanks to Facebook. I have even met some of them personally but honestly all of them are really great so far.
There was a news about Facebook shutting down on 15th March 2011. Well! To be honest it was not a news but only rumor & I just can’t believe how come people actually believe that so called news. A company who has more than 1000+ employees, a website that is now in more than 64 languages, one of the online top internet social networking company, how come it will be shut down just like that whose owner is a billionaire? The reason that was given was such a stupid one that the CEO "Mark Zuckerberg" wants his old life back and desires to put an end to all the madness. What a bullshit this is. The CEO has to do nothing but to sit there & make a few decisions & the rest is done by the employees. This is not just a job for him but his passion. So please stop believing in such rumors…
Thursday, January 6, 2011
DAY 609
For the past few days, I have been trying to write but I just can’t. Kept failing as when ever I start writing, I go blank. Don’t know why. I have a lot in me to write but strangely I can’t convert feelings into words.
Few days back I was in a state of anger. Lots of reasons but now I guess I’m ok. Being a fan of Amitabh Bachchan, I do have a flavor of young angry man in me. So the year started and I actually removed 8-9 people from my Facebook friend’s list. Reason? Well! Different reasons for different individuals but I will not explain reasons here coz it’s useless & I don’t plan to hurt anyone’s feeling too.
What I gained in the past year? Well! Lots & lots of experience. I had some great times & some worse time. The period from 14 Feb 2010 to 27 May 2010 was the best moments of the year & after that it was all so bad. My favorite moments were when I visited Karachi, met an online friend, met Pakistani singer Aamir Saleem once again, first time me on ice deck & doing ice skating, walking at the beach & having great time with a few old friends. Yes those were the best moments.
28 May 2010 changed it all. For everyone in Pakistan, they celebrated “Youm-E-Takbeer” as Pakistan was announced as a Nuclear Power but for me that day was extremely tough & sad. Well! Everyday can’t be good but after that date, all went sooooooooooooo bad. Then time kept passing & now I don’t say all is ok but now I am in a habit of spending bad times.
The year 2010 actually gave me some really nice & great friends online. Some very nice people I had an honor to spend my online time with them. They all will always be remembered & will stay with me either in real life or in my heart.
Next educational exam that I have to appear in is on 17th of Jan 2011. The last one went so bad. I don’t know what will happen this time as always as usual I still have not started preparing myself for it. So, now I have to start building that strength in me so I can actually survive this exam. Let’s see…
Few days back I was in a state of anger. Lots of reasons but now I guess I’m ok. Being a fan of Amitabh Bachchan, I do have a flavor of young angry man in me. So the year started and I actually removed 8-9 people from my Facebook friend’s list. Reason? Well! Different reasons for different individuals but I will not explain reasons here coz it’s useless & I don’t plan to hurt anyone’s feeling too.
What I gained in the past year? Well! Lots & lots of experience. I had some great times & some worse time. The period from 14 Feb 2010 to 27 May 2010 was the best moments of the year & after that it was all so bad. My favorite moments were when I visited Karachi, met an online friend, met Pakistani singer Aamir Saleem once again, first time me on ice deck & doing ice skating, walking at the beach & having great time with a few old friends. Yes those were the best moments.
28 May 2010 changed it all. For everyone in Pakistan, they celebrated “Youm-E-Takbeer” as Pakistan was announced as a Nuclear Power but for me that day was extremely tough & sad. Well! Everyday can’t be good but after that date, all went sooooooooooooo bad. Then time kept passing & now I don’t say all is ok but now I am in a habit of spending bad times.
The year 2010 actually gave me some really nice & great friends online. Some very nice people I had an honor to spend my online time with them. They all will always be remembered & will stay with me either in real life or in my heart.
Next educational exam that I have to appear in is on 17th of Jan 2011. The last one went so bad. I don’t know what will happen this time as always as usual I still have not started preparing myself for it. So, now I have to start building that strength in me so I can actually survive this exam. Let’s see…
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