DAY 445 (Previously posted as LAST DAY)

Once again due to my stupid blog I hurt someone. I just can’t believe this. Why the hell I keep doing this? I just write my stupid feelings here not to gather sympathy or anything like that but just to reduce my internal pain but now I feel that my pain is not reduced but always forwarded to someone & in the end I end-up hurting people.

I was using this medium as a personal diary so someday when I get old, I can read all this & can feel how stupid I was or what were the moments of joy & pain I had. Maybe when I die, someone read all this & feel how cruel & stupid I was as I kept hurting people through this medium.

This is going to be my last blog being shared with anyone. After this I will not be sharing anything. So upcoming days would be just my words, my feelings, my stupidity & me knowing only. I always wanted to end this with my death but I don't have to be physically dead to end this. I can die internally as well. So there I am.

Meri Sansoon Ki Rawani Tu Faqt Aik Dhoka Hai

Main Zinda Hon Magar Duniya Ko Dekhanay Kay Liey

All good things (Not talking about my blog or myself) & bad things (Talking about me & my blog) do come to an end someday.

I’m extremely sorry for hurting everyone.

Good bye & may GOD bless you all...

DAY 439

I blame life for being rude to me. I blame life for giving me pain & hurting me but my blames are false. It has always been my own fault. Why do I forget that happiness & me, we don’t have any relation? Why do I keep forgetting that happiness is not made for me? Why then I keep searching for it when it never belongs to me? We have no relation no nothing among us. Happiness & I, we both walk on a parallel path just like two sides of a railway track separated by moments of life. We should always walk away from each other & we should never try to reduce the distance among us otherwise the train of life will face an accident & then it will be nothing but disaster. I should not be looking for happiness. Happiness has always been faithless with me. My best friend is pain & grief. It has always been my partner since my childhood. I am lucky to have such a great partner that is always with me every moment. Whenever I tried to achieve happiness, it always ended in quick moments & then I found myself standing all alone on the same spot where I started years ago.

I was never good with relations as well. I have always lost relations like my father, mother, brother, sisters & even others. I have decided to keep myself at a distance from every human & will not allow anyone to be close to me coz who ever came close to me left me in the end no matter what. I know it was never anyone’s fault but mine coz I was the one who was already aware of the consequence but even then I let people come close to me to seek happiness but as always the result is nothing but grief. I am extremely sorry Mr. Pain that I left you for Mr. Happiness even though I knew you were always there for me & still you are. Do forgive me Mr. Pain. I will remain you best friend always.

DAY 438

After 5 days of extreme pain & mental torture I am back in the office but I feel like I died. I can’t work or can’t sit in the office environment. Something is killing me inside every minute of my life. I am like walking & talking but with no emotions or feelings. It is getting worse day by day.

Someone asked me to live my life. Maybe this is my life with nothing left & no passion to live. I have decided to live exactly like this. I will never ever let this pain go away coz now this pain is my life. I will not let my memories go away coz these are my treasures. I will keep killing my heart every day & will not let anyone come close to me ever again. Those who are in my heart remains in & those who are out will stay out. The doors are locked & it will never open again.

I had been away from the blog coz I had no words left to share. I actually wanted to leave this world of internet. I really wanted to go away, hide somewhere, discontinue all my contacts, remove myself from every heart & just go into darkness where no one has excess to me anymore. I really wanted to do that but I can’t coz I have to stay here so I can make sure that someone is ok. Someone very close to me is now ignoring me so anger could be created in me & I go away & start a life but I won’t let this happen. I have a promise to keep. A promise that I made that I will always be there for that person till my last breath so I will not leave no matter what happens. I know & I can feel every single pain in that person & I don’t know why that person wants to leave but I can’t & would not leave at all. If that person wants me to leave than kill me please otherwise I will always be here side by side waiting so whenever that person needs me, I will be right here.

Yesterday I experienced the longest electric load shedding of my life thanks to the most decent & the most reliable organizations of Pakistan (WAPDA). No electricity for 8 hours & as I was already in bad health condition, it got worse in the middle of the day & I had some extreme pain that converted me into half dead half alive human. Unfortunately I survived it coz I just love WAPDA too much. I wish I could kill each & every decision maker of this organization. I wish I could drag each & every politician in the middle of desert & leave them there for the rest of their bloody lives with no food, no water & no shelter. I wish… I wish… I wish…

Damn! I wish I could just stop my heartbeat…

DAY 431

I don’t know but suddenly I can’t seem to find any single word. It is like I am blank. I can't chat, I can't post a comment on FB. I can't express myself like I have nothing inside me anymore. People might be thinking I am ignoring them but I don't know what should I do. I wish I was never born.

I am lost with no words to share & no feelings to express. I have just closed myself in a box & not sharing any part of it with anyone anymore. It is like I am standing in a middle of a desert & the wind erased all the footsteps on the sand so I can’t go back & I don’t know where to go from here. I have so much pain inside me that sometimes I feel I can’t bear it anymore. I wonder what is the relation between me & pain coz after every few steps in life I always find pain beside me like it’s my own shadow that keeps walking with me but bloody hell it even walks with me in the dark when the shadow is supposed to be gone.

For the past 3 days, life inside me is like hell. I feel myself burning inside me. My heart has no blood but only pressure of pain & this pain is running down in every vein of my body. I wish it could stop but then why should it stop coz it is part of me. So pain & me are best buddies.

I really want to go back in dark where no one can ever find me again & where no one has access to me. Someone made me realize that I am living in a dream which has no portion of reality & I have created walls around it to save but how foolish I am. How can I forget that dreams can’t be saved by cemented walls around it? A dream will shatter once you open your eyes. I wish I could close my eyes for ever coz I want to live in this dream for the rest of my life. Following is a song I wrote very long time back but as history keeps repeating itself so there I am again on the same spot.


JEE MERA CHATA HAI KEH
BAND KAR LOON YEH ANAKHAIN
HAMEHSA HAMESHA KAY LIEY
JIS TASVEER MAIN TERA AKS NA HO
KESAY DEKHON USAY MAIN IN ANKHON SAY

KABHI MERI GALI SAY TUM GUZAR KAY DEKHO
KAB SAY MAIN KHARA HOON TERAY LIEY
JEE MERA CHATA HAI KEH
BAND KAR LOON YEH ANAKHAIN
HAMEHSA HAMESHA KAY LIEY

DEWANA BANA KAR TUM CHOR GAIEY
JEWAN KI RAHOON MAIN TANHA MUJHAY
JEE MERA CHATA HAI KEH
BAND KAR LOON YEH ANAKHAIN
HAMEHSA HAMESHA KAY LIEY


Man In Brightness is totally LOST...

DAY 428

Germany lost the match & now Spain & Netherlands will play the final of the WorldCup 2010. I was thinking that Germany will go into the finals but they lost. I was happy as well coz I know a person who really wanted Germany to win & I don’t really like him so I wanted Germany to loose. Sorry Germany no hard feelings, its just a bit personal.

Mr. Amitabh Bachchan wrote a few good lines in his blog & I want to share this. I was planning to write the same lines but I think he wrote it much better so here I share his words: “Germany lost late in to the night/ early morning our time, and the surprise of the predictions of the Octopus Paul have brought superstition right onto the front pages. The octopus had predicted a Spanish victory and so it was. This is quite amazing and ridiculous at the same time. I mean there is this octopus in a water tank and they put two transparent boxes inside it with its lunch in them, bearing the flags of Germany and Spain and Paul the octopus goes and sits on the Spanish box and everyone takes that as a prediction of its victory and it actually comes out correct !! The Germans are wanting to eat up this octopussy with gallons of beer ! Incredible ! So 11th is the final and they must be getting ready with the Dutch and Spanish boxes again for Paulie dear to spread its tentacles on and get comfortable”.

For a past few days as I don’t enjoy sleeping at nights I am trying to watch an Indian movie “I Hate Love Stories” but now I am beginning to hate “I Hate Love Stories” coz every time when I plan to watch it, either the internet disappear or the light. So I have decided to give it a one more try this weekend.

The Shab-e-Mairaj-un-Nabi (Peace Be Upon Him) or the Night of Ascent would be observed tonight. Every ear on 27th of Rajab (Lunar calendar) Muslims observe the Shab-e-Miraj in which the Holy Prophet (PBUH) went on a special journey to meet Allah Almighty, crossing seven skies on the heavenly animal named ‘Al-Buraq’. May Allah’s blessing be upon us.

Before I end today's blog, I wish I could say that I have no worries, no pain in life but I can’t lie on my own blog. Oh! I am so hurt & I have so much pain in me. I just don’t know why why why. During my life I have hurt so many people around me intentionally and unintentionally & I thought I would not be hurt but it’s good that I am getting the same amount of pain or maybe more. At least this pain will make me realize that I have no right to hurt people around me. I would like to apologize to each & every one I have hurt during my stupid life. I am not sure if you all out there would ever forgive me but I am extremely sorry.

DAY 426

I feel pain again deep in me. I feel all alone deep in me. I feel lost somewhere deep in me. I don’t know where I am, deep in me. I don’t know who I am, deep in me. There used to be happiness deep in me but now there is nothing but pain deep in me. How should I change all this, deep in me when even I don’t have access deep in me? Well! This is what I can say at the moment from deep in me.

Still not interested in sleeping at nights. Keep myself awake till 5am in the morning & then go to sleep for a few hours. I still can’t find words to write my blog but yesterday did manage to write a few lines of poetry which I am still not sure that are good or bad. Following are the lines:


Lout K Aao Gay Tu Dekho Gay Hum Wahin Hain Kharray
Waqt K Kantoon Nay Zindagi Kay Pannay Hain Jharray

Tum Gaiy Tu Mushkiloon Nay Ghair Lia Achanak Hum Ko
Teray Aanay Ki Aas Liey Dil Main In Say Hain Larray

Kis Tarha Tum Ko Batain Keh Yeh Waqt Kesay Kata
Kashmakash Hai K Ghut Ghut Kay Jiey Ya Hain Maray

Fursat Jo Milay Tu Kabhi Aana Aik Pal Ko Hi Sahi
Ghum Meray Dil Kay Ghata Dena Jo Is Main Hain Bharay


I don’t know why every time when I start writing poetry, it always turns into sad words. Even if I am not feeling sad, I still write sad lines. I have no clue for that. Maybe I am a very very sad man deep inside me.

Pakistan won the two T20 matches from Australia which was quite surprising but well done I would say. On the other hand, Germany seems to be playing really well & they have a match today with Spin & not sure who will win but if Germany do, they will have a great chance to be the champions this time.

DAY 425

Sometimes it’s really gets hard to find words to express my feelings. For the past few days I was & some how still in that phase of life. It gets even hard for me to write my blogs. The whole day I keep searching for words or events that I can talk about but when I start writing, I go blank. The other thing I am good at it is poetry but nowadays I can’t even create a single line. I think someone should now come & hurt me, give me pain so I can write it down coz a friend says that I write much better when I am sad or in pain.

A few days back I joined Express News page on FB so I can get news updates but later I removed the page coz under every headline I saw abusive comments for the government officials. No! I don’t love the government but yes I don’t like abusive language so I removed it. I think the government officials should join these pages so even they can know how much the country loves them. Every other Pakistani loves them. Oh! I mean love to kill them.

Nepra gives KESC go-ahead for tariff hike. Wow! Isn’t this nice? I mean half of the day there is no light but yes they have to increase the tariff. For what?? They are charging us for what? For a service they don’t even provide? Why the hell every time charging the poor public? Why not asking the PM, President and the stupid Water & Power (Less) Minister to enjoy a few hours of load shedding? Sometimes I wish I can drag these creatures all the way to the middle of a desert and leave them there for the rest of their lives.

Check out another headline:
Persons accused in murder made judges: Justic Ramday
Well! If we can have a President like that, why can’t we have judges??

For the past so many nights I am not sleeping & only keeping myself busy online mostly doing nothing. Either on FB, commenting or browsing internet or watching movies. I don’t know why I have lost the charm of sleeping. I go to sleep at 5am in the morning. Maybe I am turning into an owl :)

DAY 420

It is day 420… Ha Ha Ha...

After my last blog about Lahore court ordering ban on 9 websites, I could not write a thing as if someone blocked my mind. So now after 7 days, I am writing my blog. In the past 7 days not that much happened & I did not find anything interesting to write about. One of the FB friends of mine did SMS & praised my writing skills & asked me to write something on the Freedom Fight of Palestine. First I would like to thank him for liking my blog & secondly I would write on it soon. Although it would not make a difference coz my blogs are read by very limited number of people but anyway I will try.

FB had some problems going on for the past one week & my blogs were not being exported to FB due to some technical fault but now when the problem is fixed I was really upset to see that all the comments given by my friends were disappeared on FB. I can’t seem to find one single comment. I am extremely upset coz of this & hurt. So many nice comments & so many valuable advices were given to me by my friends on my notes on FB and now I have lost them due to some bloody technical fault. I really wish if they can just bring all back.

In the past few days I have learnt a lot & I am trying to help one of my friends to MOVE ON from his past but somehow I can’t seem to help him coz somewhere deep inside of him, he don’t want to move on. The only reason I want to help him is coz he is going on a track that might hurt him & his family. Even he knows this bit but wonder why he still wants to go back.

30th June, I sent a birthday wish via SMS to a very old friend of mine at 12am & it had been a very long time since we had a chat & he was really surprised & extremely happy to see my message. It always feels happy when we give happiness to others. I wish him best in life.

An interesting news I found out today is that Lahore High Court has ordered federal and provincial government to ban trading of rotten eggs as they are harmful for health. Now I wonder if they are referring the bloody government officials as “ROTTEN EEGS” coz even these eggs are harmful and should be banned as well.