Life is so fast nowadays. Days are going away and every night when I go to sleep, clouds of thoughts cover my brain & I always think that I have spent almost half of my average life & I’m still no one. I’m still nothing to be very honest. This thought creates a power in me to live the next day so I can try achieving my goals in life. I think everyone should think at least for a minute before sleeping that what have been achieved in life & what have been lost.
What I have lost mostly are relations. Some of my relations are lost because I hate interference in my personal life. Some of my relations are lost as I just let them go as I never asked anyone to be my friend or stay in a relation with me. The only person I ever asked in my life was my younger brother for a friendship. It was the first & the last time ever in life that I made that attempt. Why? Not because I lost but just because it’s not my nature to ask anyone for friendship.
One of my close relative always keeps on interfering in my personal life. I know I made my life this way & if I had, I will fix it myself as I never asked for anyone’s help. Then why offering me help? If I want, I will ask otherwise please let me live my life the way I want. Either it’s a wrong path or the right one, I will be held responsible. I don’t really like helps from others. I want to do it all by myself because I did it before & I can do it again. If I can destroy my life all by myself then I can even create my life all by myself. These things irritate me & at some stage I just let the relation go away. Leaving comments on my blog & trying to tell the whole world that what have I done, do you think that will help? Is that you call help? Yes I have done lots of wrong things in life but no one is clean here. At some stage of life everyone makes mistake but it never means that you start pointing those mistakes in public & then say you want to help. I’m afraid if that is help then I really don’t need one. I’m better without it.
If I write that I’m sad in any of my blogs, the comments will be “You will be sad as you had made a huge mistake in life”. If I write I’m happy on my blog, the comments will be “How could you be happy while making other’s sad”. Guess what I am happy by making other’s sad. You know what? It gives me pleasure to hurt people because I really don’t care anymore. I don’t want anything. No happiness, no sadness, no relations, no friends no nothing. How is that? You happy now???
Monday, August 31, 2009
Sunday, August 23, 2009
DAY 108
Why sad moments keep on returning every hour? Why can’t life just go on a happy track for at least a complete month? This is really not fair. Friday night some feelings & emotions killed me. Same happened on Saturday night. Infect Saturday night was even worse coz one thing I just can’t stand is a person crying and especially a person close to my heart.
Sometimes things go out of our hands & the reason is we ourselves. We just sit there relaxed & think that everything is going on fine even if someone steps up to us & say “its all wrong”, we keep our mind to the same level & say “nah, nothings wrong”. Later we regret & then say to ourselves “GOD I wished I had listened to him/her” but than it’s always too late.
Why do we start relations? If we do then why can’t we keep them? Sometimes we are so lost in ourselves that we forget that someone wants us & we keep doing this till that person is really hurt & start hating us. We keep ignoring our close ones & in the end left all alone in the middle of a desert with no one to share our thoughts & no one to speak with. Some of us always need someone to share his/her thoughts. When I don’t find anyone I share it on my blog but again not everything coz sometimes you just cannot share everything in public.
The Holy month of Ramadan has started & it’s the first day here. The night was sad but hopefully the month would be great. Prices would raise, people would still be the same. They will pray, they will fast, but on the same time they will lie, they will fight & they will never stop using the “F” word & some other abusive & vulgar language that they use as a habit now in every sentence. Old, young or even a child is in a habit of it but no one cares as it is something nice to keep on saying. Guess respect for mothers & sisters is no more part of our Islamic culture. It is a shame but I have even seen ladies using the same vulgar words. Now tell me who to blame? Yes blame it on me as I pointed it out here. If blaming on me would make a difference, then please do that.
Sometimes things go out of our hands & the reason is we ourselves. We just sit there relaxed & think that everything is going on fine even if someone steps up to us & say “its all wrong”, we keep our mind to the same level & say “nah, nothings wrong”. Later we regret & then say to ourselves “GOD I wished I had listened to him/her” but than it’s always too late.
Why do we start relations? If we do then why can’t we keep them? Sometimes we are so lost in ourselves that we forget that someone wants us & we keep doing this till that person is really hurt & start hating us. We keep ignoring our close ones & in the end left all alone in the middle of a desert with no one to share our thoughts & no one to speak with. Some of us always need someone to share his/her thoughts. When I don’t find anyone I share it on my blog but again not everything coz sometimes you just cannot share everything in public.
The Holy month of Ramadan has started & it’s the first day here. The night was sad but hopefully the month would be great. Prices would raise, people would still be the same. They will pray, they will fast, but on the same time they will lie, they will fight & they will never stop using the “F” word & some other abusive & vulgar language that they use as a habit now in every sentence. Old, young or even a child is in a habit of it but no one cares as it is something nice to keep on saying. Guess respect for mothers & sisters is no more part of our Islamic culture. It is a shame but I have even seen ladies using the same vulgar words. Now tell me who to blame? Yes blame it on me as I pointed it out here. If blaming on me would make a difference, then please do that.
Friday, August 21, 2009
DAY 106
Last night was a really sad moment. When I reached home I saw a huge crowd sitting & standing outside the house of my neighbor. I knew that the event of marriage is going to take place at their home & I thought that is the only reason the crowd is there. While I was parking my little baby, I just confirmed my landlord regarding the crowd & he told me a shocking news. He said that a child was playing around the water tank & got slipped & fell in the tank. No body was around & he died. The kid was almost 2 years.
I had lived in the building few years back & at that time someone stole the cover of the water tank. I informed the Landlord of that building but he never did anything. This was almost 3 years back but I still remember. I even know who stole that cover. At that time the family living in the other part of the same building placed a wooden piece to cover the tank. Since then nor the landlord bothered to replace it nor anyone complained as I left the building after few months of this incident.
Last night the kid fell in & died. Who should be responsible??? I think three peoples are.
1: The thief
2: The landlord
3: The father
Ok why not mother? She had a fight & left the child with her husband as he did not let her take the kid along. So last night when she came, she cried a lot & called up the police & asked them to start investigation against her husband. This is so sad & shameful.
All these three peoples are responsible. Two of them for sure. The landlord & the father. I just can’t believe that how could you let your little children play around without any supervision. Why the hell you keep them if you cannot take care of them. If that kid would have been with his mother, he might have survived. Why men always do this. Being powerful & act stupid. If you cannot take responsibilities in life then you should let the kid go.
One thing I really hate about peoples in the surrounding. They are never sad on the death but they always want first hand information on the event. Even if they are standing around, they will never be sad but will speak that this must have happened or that must have. To be very honest I don’t really know what happened as I want to ask the first person who told this story that how come he/she knows this happened. Was that person there watching every moment & doing nothing. I think that person should be arrested as well.
I had lived in the building few years back & at that time someone stole the cover of the water tank. I informed the Landlord of that building but he never did anything. This was almost 3 years back but I still remember. I even know who stole that cover. At that time the family living in the other part of the same building placed a wooden piece to cover the tank. Since then nor the landlord bothered to replace it nor anyone complained as I left the building after few months of this incident.
Last night the kid fell in & died. Who should be responsible??? I think three peoples are.
1: The thief
2: The landlord
3: The father
Ok why not mother? She had a fight & left the child with her husband as he did not let her take the kid along. So last night when she came, she cried a lot & called up the police & asked them to start investigation against her husband. This is so sad & shameful.
All these three peoples are responsible. Two of them for sure. The landlord & the father. I just can’t believe that how could you let your little children play around without any supervision. Why the hell you keep them if you cannot take care of them. If that kid would have been with his mother, he might have survived. Why men always do this. Being powerful & act stupid. If you cannot take responsibilities in life then you should let the kid go.
One thing I really hate about peoples in the surrounding. They are never sad on the death but they always want first hand information on the event. Even if they are standing around, they will never be sad but will speak that this must have happened or that must have. To be very honest I don’t really know what happened as I want to ask the first person who told this story that how come he/she knows this happened. Was that person there watching every moment & doing nothing. I think that person should be arrested as well.
Thursday, August 20, 2009
DAY 105
Do you know how much time is required for an average brain to make a decision? 5 minutes? 10 minutes? 20? 30? 1 hour? 2 hours? 1 day? 1 week? 1 year? GOD this is so confusing. Even I can’t make a decision that how long it takes to make one. Well mostly I take a decision there & then. One of my friends takes a decision in 2 minutes according to her & other friend of mine take 30 mins but always answer in a week. So that take them 32 min to decide & only 1 more min to say nah, lets do something else.
The Holy month of Ramadan is on its way & already I see prices rising in our so called Muslim country for regular food items. Can you believe this? In other religions when there is a special occasion, they give special discounts but in our country they take special advantage and honestly there is no power to stop them because our Pakistani president does not sleep on the floor. The Prime Minister does not go out & buy groceries. None of the Government official knows how much is a bag of flour because the prices they give don’t even exist in any part of the country. How could & why would they even bother to ask anyone or force anyone to drop the prices? They simply don’t care. What they want is the position, status & fame. Rest can go to hell because they were never chosen to do this anyway.
I see life slipping away from my hand just like sand. A few years back I was 16 & wanted to have a driving license but requirement was 18. Today I have almost spent half of my life in this cruel world. The average age life nowadays is somewhere 65-70. So very few years left in life & I still have not achieved any of my big dreams. I really even don’t have any idea that would I or not but still hope is always in the heart. Hope keeps you alive & when this dies, consider you are almost to an end.
The Holy month of Ramadan is on its way & already I see prices rising in our so called Muslim country for regular food items. Can you believe this? In other religions when there is a special occasion, they give special discounts but in our country they take special advantage and honestly there is no power to stop them because our Pakistani president does not sleep on the floor. The Prime Minister does not go out & buy groceries. None of the Government official knows how much is a bag of flour because the prices they give don’t even exist in any part of the country. How could & why would they even bother to ask anyone or force anyone to drop the prices? They simply don’t care. What they want is the position, status & fame. Rest can go to hell because they were never chosen to do this anyway.
I see life slipping away from my hand just like sand. A few years back I was 16 & wanted to have a driving license but requirement was 18. Today I have almost spent half of my life in this cruel world. The average age life nowadays is somewhere 65-70. So very few years left in life & I still have not achieved any of my big dreams. I really even don’t have any idea that would I or not but still hope is always in the heart. Hope keeps you alive & when this dies, consider you are almost to an end.
Monday, August 17, 2009
DAY 102
Sometimes I ask myself what to write but everyday I have a story to tell myself. It’s only me being lazy & not writing it down.
What is the meaning of friendship in life? How do you start it? Why do you start it? Can we not live without it? Do we die if we don’t have friends? Why do we make promises “friends for ever”? Is there anything in life fore ever? I see people making deals that we will remain friends for ever & after just a week they start walking on different paths saying I’m out of the deal. Is it always that easy to break deals as it to make one? When asked what happened to the deal, they say that person is still important to me. How could any one be important for you if you don’t even know what is your friend going through? How would you even know that your friend needs you the most & you are not there because you don’t even remain in contact? GOD so many questions & all answers are there but why bother to find them as nothing is important. If friendship is not important or deals are not important than sorry to say, how could a person be important. Now I know how Zar-Dari says easily “What deal”.
Today I sadly ended up a relation with my younger brother as I was trying my level best to bring him back in my life but he was just being rude & kept ignoring me. When I ended up, my deal friends asked me why why why?? GOD he is important to me but I just can’t keep the relation. WOW! What an answer. From now on I would never know if he want me to be with him in his good or bad times but he is important just like a piece of paper (Degree) that is always important just to prove how smart & well educated we are & most of the time we don’t even know where is it lying in the house.
If my friends ever read this, I just want to give them a friendly advice although I know my advices or even my being there is not important but I still would. Life is short. We are not here for long. Don’t give relations time to think as who knows you start thinking that today I will call my friend & when you call you ended up knowing that your friend is no more in this world. Believe me you would regret it for the rest of your life. Don’t waste time before its too late…
What is the meaning of friendship in life? How do you start it? Why do you start it? Can we not live without it? Do we die if we don’t have friends? Why do we make promises “friends for ever”? Is there anything in life fore ever? I see people making deals that we will remain friends for ever & after just a week they start walking on different paths saying I’m out of the deal. Is it always that easy to break deals as it to make one? When asked what happened to the deal, they say that person is still important to me. How could any one be important for you if you don’t even know what is your friend going through? How would you even know that your friend needs you the most & you are not there because you don’t even remain in contact? GOD so many questions & all answers are there but why bother to find them as nothing is important. If friendship is not important or deals are not important than sorry to say, how could a person be important. Now I know how Zar-Dari says easily “What deal”.
Today I sadly ended up a relation with my younger brother as I was trying my level best to bring him back in my life but he was just being rude & kept ignoring me. When I ended up, my deal friends asked me why why why?? GOD he is important to me but I just can’t keep the relation. WOW! What an answer. From now on I would never know if he want me to be with him in his good or bad times but he is important just like a piece of paper (Degree) that is always important just to prove how smart & well educated we are & most of the time we don’t even know where is it lying in the house.
If my friends ever read this, I just want to give them a friendly advice although I know my advices or even my being there is not important but I still would. Life is short. We are not here for long. Don’t give relations time to think as who knows you start thinking that today I will call my friend & when you call you ended up knowing that your friend is no more in this world. Believe me you would regret it for the rest of your life. Don’t waste time before its too late…
Friday, August 14, 2009
DAY 99
It took me a really long time to sit down, relax & write down what my heart says. Don’t know why but sometimes my heart is blank, with no words to express or with lots of words that I can’t share so I just skip the day and write nothing.
Today the whole Pakistan is celebrating Independence Day. The freedom is being celebrated but I just can’t find anything that we are free from. In all these years I can’t see anything we achieved but yes we have lost. We are running out of electricity, running out of shame, running out of leaders & even running out of the respect. I see people around me saying that we never wanted our own country. I see them not being happy of being Pakistani. GOD! I hate these cheap animals. I wish I could just drag them to some desert & leave them there for the rest of there lives with no trails of returning. An Indian friend of mine wished all his Pakistani friends on facebook which was so great to see. I now respect him even more. Look at him & now look at our people, the people living on this land but are against it.
Past whole week I have been through lots of emotions & experiences. I travelled out of the city & had some great time of life that I will never forget. I earned a few really incredible friends in life. I have always been losing friends all the way in life but now I will never loose them because they are now really close to my heart. Infect not even living with them, I spent my whole day with them like we all are together at every moment. It has been a really great experience. One is sad, you cheer him up. Other is sad u start being funny & a smile all over the face. One is in tension, you jump in & rescue them. It is really a gift of GOD to have great friends but at the same time a fear of loosing them really make me sad & it hurts deep in my heart. To make friend is easy but to be a friend is not a hard thing to do. I wish I could walk back & ask all my good friends to come back in my life that I lost during my journey of life. Some of them were really great but I know they never want me back in there lives. So after thinking that I feel even more pain as one day I will loose these friends as well because when you are married, start you own life or even move to another city, friends are left behind. I just want to tell my friends that no matter what, I will always be there for them in good times or bad & they are always welcome to contact me whenever they feel they need me without thinking of anything.
Today the whole Pakistan is celebrating Independence Day. The freedom is being celebrated but I just can’t find anything that we are free from. In all these years I can’t see anything we achieved but yes we have lost. We are running out of electricity, running out of shame, running out of leaders & even running out of the respect. I see people around me saying that we never wanted our own country. I see them not being happy of being Pakistani. GOD! I hate these cheap animals. I wish I could just drag them to some desert & leave them there for the rest of there lives with no trails of returning. An Indian friend of mine wished all his Pakistani friends on facebook which was so great to see. I now respect him even more. Look at him & now look at our people, the people living on this land but are against it.
Past whole week I have been through lots of emotions & experiences. I travelled out of the city & had some great time of life that I will never forget. I earned a few really incredible friends in life. I have always been losing friends all the way in life but now I will never loose them because they are now really close to my heart. Infect not even living with them, I spent my whole day with them like we all are together at every moment. It has been a really great experience. One is sad, you cheer him up. Other is sad u start being funny & a smile all over the face. One is in tension, you jump in & rescue them. It is really a gift of GOD to have great friends but at the same time a fear of loosing them really make me sad & it hurts deep in my heart. To make friend is easy but to be a friend is not a hard thing to do. I wish I could walk back & ask all my good friends to come back in my life that I lost during my journey of life. Some of them were really great but I know they never want me back in there lives. So after thinking that I feel even more pain as one day I will loose these friends as well because when you are married, start you own life or even move to another city, friends are left behind. I just want to tell my friends that no matter what, I will always be there for them in good times or bad & they are always welcome to contact me whenever they feel they need me without thinking of anything.
Friday, August 7, 2009
DAY 92
It’s been days since I wrote something here. You can say my laziness or you can say anything but I really wanted to write everyday & I just could not.
Today I am really hurt as I am not able to help a friend out of miseries. I tried as much as I could but I failed. Today my friend begged me not to do anything & leave her alone. It hurts even more when someone begs u to leave. I really can’t explain my emotions right now. I wish I could convert them into words & sentences but I just can’t. So I even failed to convert.
Why this world is like this? Why we are so selfish? Why can’t we keep others happy? Why do we play with hearts? Why we hurt others & leave like nothing happened? Even I am one of them. I hurt people & I left them alone. I hate myself more than any other but even hurt when someone else hurt my friend. I wish I was something different. I wish I had not done the same to others so today at least I could shoot at them, call them names, abuse them or hate them. But who to hate, who to abuse, I myself is the part of that generation.
Since last week my friend is going through hell & I have been there to make her believe that be positive, the world is not ended, life goes on, trust in GOD, start all over, tried by logic, tired by words, tried by jokes but failed in the end. Really hate myself today because now she begs me to leave her alone in this. Leaving a friend alone in problems means that you are not a friend because you were not there when needed the most. Should I leave? Why should I? Even if I should, will it change the life? Is it going to make a difference if I stay? Maybe & maybe not but I can at least try but how would I do that when I’m not even allowed to. I can’t believe that someone says to me that I request you, beg you to leave me alone in this… I just can’t, can I? Maybe I can because even I’m a selfish person. Even I hurt so many out there so what difference it’s going to make this time.
Yes! Now I know why my family really hates me. My brother wants time to think to start a relation with me. My sisters & my mom are just there but no where in my life. You know why? Because I think even they want to request me to leave. So people I will leave someday but after I go, remember it will again not make a difference in anyone’s life but if by my going, someone is happy, I love to leave this world but until I don’t leave you can always pray for my death.
Today I am really hurt as I am not able to help a friend out of miseries. I tried as much as I could but I failed. Today my friend begged me not to do anything & leave her alone. It hurts even more when someone begs u to leave. I really can’t explain my emotions right now. I wish I could convert them into words & sentences but I just can’t. So I even failed to convert.
Why this world is like this? Why we are so selfish? Why can’t we keep others happy? Why do we play with hearts? Why we hurt others & leave like nothing happened? Even I am one of them. I hurt people & I left them alone. I hate myself more than any other but even hurt when someone else hurt my friend. I wish I was something different. I wish I had not done the same to others so today at least I could shoot at them, call them names, abuse them or hate them. But who to hate, who to abuse, I myself is the part of that generation.
Since last week my friend is going through hell & I have been there to make her believe that be positive, the world is not ended, life goes on, trust in GOD, start all over, tried by logic, tired by words, tried by jokes but failed in the end. Really hate myself today because now she begs me to leave her alone in this. Leaving a friend alone in problems means that you are not a friend because you were not there when needed the most. Should I leave? Why should I? Even if I should, will it change the life? Is it going to make a difference if I stay? Maybe & maybe not but I can at least try but how would I do that when I’m not even allowed to. I can’t believe that someone says to me that I request you, beg you to leave me alone in this… I just can’t, can I? Maybe I can because even I’m a selfish person. Even I hurt so many out there so what difference it’s going to make this time.
Yes! Now I know why my family really hates me. My brother wants time to think to start a relation with me. My sisters & my mom are just there but no where in my life. You know why? Because I think even they want to request me to leave. So people I will leave someday but after I go, remember it will again not make a difference in anyone’s life but if by my going, someone is happy, I love to leave this world but until I don’t leave you can always pray for my death.
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