DAY 386

Another cruel night passed away & more to come. Last night I lost. I lost my sleeps, my happiness or maybe even myself.

People say sometimes we loose something to have something better but I don’t believe this. I don’t know why it happened but I am not giving up. This bloody life doesn’t give you everything you ask for but you have to snatch it. So I will have to change it. I will have to take things forcefully from life now.

Today I am extremely missing someone. I know I can’t change time but at least I can do something to find a way and I will. Two months back someone told me that the path we are about to walk is going to be a dark one with lots of pain. My reply was that I still want to walk on it. At that time I was unaware of the level of pain I will be receiving but even if I am asked again today, my answer is still the same. I will still keep walking this path of darkness & pain. To get something you have to loose something but the way life is going at the moment, I am loosing the same that I want.

Coming 3 months are going to hell for me. It will be like me being jailed in a dark room of thoughts & helpless. I don’t know how I would spend these months but I did promise someone last night that I will take care of myself & I’m sure that person will keep the promise as well on that end. I never cry in front of anyone but last night I actually cried on phone but every tear that fall built anger in me to fight. The fight is not to live but to actually have something. I just can’t let it go. I can never forget this that someone was crying on the other side of the phone & I was not been able to wipe the tears. I can still here the cries.

Dear friend of mine, if you are reading this, always remember that this is not the end but yet another strong beginning. Why strong? Because last night’s conversation proved that we have a very strong bond in between us. So please hang in there coz I will not let you be alone at any cost.

DAY 385

Last night was very cruel to me. I was in my bed trying to sleep but the thoughts were so strong that they did not allow me to sleep. Every minute I tried to close my eyes, I only felt tears in them & I kept changing the sides in the bed & kept trying to remove the thoughts from my mind but I kept failing. The pain kept increasing and at one stage I felt my heartbeat & my breath much faster than the normal speed. I felt pain all over me & my heart was going out of control like it wanted to come out of my body. This condition made it hard for me to even breathe so I somehow managed myself out of the bed & took my weak body on the roof top. A few minutes I kept sitting there staring the walls around me but then I stood there looking at the sky. What I saw was lighting. I kept looking at the sky & kept asking myself that why all this is happening. I had no power in me but I kept standing and kept staring the sky with tears in my eyes. These are the moments when you want to die. Who should we ask for help?

The weather is absolutely hot but I don’t feel it. Why? Because what I am going through is somehow more painful than this hot weather. People think I’m sweating but that is not true. Every part of my body is crying & that sweat like liquid is nothing but tears falling from my body. My body is asking me to do something which unfortunately I just can’t because I am left helpless.

I am turning into an irritated person. I am now “I don’t care” type of guy. I am now an angry human with rude answers & no laughs or smiles on any type of jokes. Even if I see people laughing or smiling, I don’t respond to them. Yes! I am a dead man walking.

DAY 384

I’m about to loose & I just can’t stop it. I’m so helpless today. I only feel tears in my eyes & pain in my body. I wish I could shout, I wish I could cry louder, I wish I could burn everything down. I wish I could die. So many wishes but I am just a helpless human with no power or control on my damn stupid life any longer. I see dreams turning into tears & falling down. I feel a pain in me. This is extreme & at the same time increasing. I feel my body going totally weak & I just don’t want to walk further in life. I want to stop it now.

I see no one around me with whom I can share my pain. Even if I do, I don’t see anything happening coz this time it is me all alone. This was bound to happen. It always happens with me. How could I forget? Damn! Why the hell I thought it would be different this time? Some people are born lucky. Some are looking lucky but are not & some are totally unlucky. Well! I am the last one or maybe worse than the last one when it comes to relations.

Somehow my life will change or might end tomorrow night. I don’t want tomorrow’s night to come. Please GOD I beg u. Please stop it from happening. I just can’t take it any longer. Please don’t let that night come. Please GOD I beg u to change it. Please please please please…

DAY 383

A few weeks back the government of Pakistan took a decision so they can overcome the problem of electric load-shedding. They announced Saturdays off so no offices will be there & they also ordered all shops to close at 8pm so the remaining electricity can be used by the public or should I say the officials. So after taking that stupid decision, the light goes off after every hour. So 12 hours of light is there in the whole day. This means the problem is not solved. I think now they should do this. 5 days off in a week & shops should close 10am in the morning. Bloody hell! These stupid jerks have no brains to overcome any sort of problems because these are the problem creators. I think the best solution is to ask them to stand in a queue and shot them all. In this way at least the corruption problem will be sorted.

For the past 3 weeks I have been running after PTCL for a phone connection but every time the excuses that I get from them is either the lineman is on a leave or within next two days I will be informed that if it is possible that I can get a phone line or not. Every time when I visited their office, every official I met was on phone with someone & informing them their own problems with their home telephone lines. So the PTCL company is only for PTCL employees. If this is the way every organization is going to work in Pakistan than I already see a very bright future of this country. I see everyone standing in the sun with no shelters on their heads coz soon it will become difficult to survive and people will be on streets like beggars. The sun is always bright so yes the future will be bright too.

My pain is still the same & I am trying to overcome this but yes not like the government. It takes time & the phase through which I am going is truly difficult. It is like a nightmare but somehow I have to survive & honestly not for myself but I have to live for others. Let’s see if I will be able to do this. I am still trying to avoid conversations & I try to keep quiet as much as possible because this condition of mine is converting me into an angry man. I don’t want others to suffer my anger so I try to be quiet.

DAY 382

It’s been almost 4 days & I just can’t seem to find a way to reduce my inner pain. Saturday evening I even went out with my friends on a hiking trip so I can just divert my thoughts but I failed. Even while climbing those rocks I wanted to fall. I was so damn tired & at some stage it was even getting difficult for me to continue climbing but I kept going coz somewhere back in my head I really wanted to fall. There was a time when I felt dizzy & could not even see a thing but no, I did not stop. Why? I have no idea but we were almost at the top when we suddenly saw an animal & we decided to turn back coz we were not sure weather it was a dangerous one or not. It was almost dark out there & somehow I wanted to go near to that beast & wanted to face it but I just can’t risk others life for my stupid aims. One thing I learnt from it though, that if you don’t give up & keep walking, you can achieve your target. Well! Almost achieve it but the aim that I am running behind is somehow out of my control & out of my hands.

Whenever we can’t get anything in life, people tell us that there must be a valid reason behind it but my faith is that GOD can change anything at anytime & I will keep asking Him for what I want till my last breath. If everything has to be done the way it is written then why pray & ask for anything? My faith is that Prayers can change what has been written for us & I will keep asking Him. He loves us more than the love of 90 mothers so I will keep asking Him like a stubborn child & someday He will listen.

Saturday I even bought 10 movies to watch & damn I did not even watch a single one. When ever I started to watch any of those movies, after a few minutes I found myself totally blank. I tried so hard but I just could not so the next day I returned all the movies & yes I even paid the rent for it.

Sometimes it is difficult to survive some phases of life that are full of pain. The weekend was totally painful. I could not sleep and I could not find a way to divert my thoughts. This phase is turning me into an angry person. I am totally avoiding conversations with almost everyone. You must have read about a plant called “Touch me not”. I am a human now “Talk to me not” coz I really just want to be quiet & keep it all in my heart. I will not share any of it but will write it all here & still no one will understand because I just don’t want anyone to understand me anymore.

DAY 379

Pain, what is pain? How do we define pain? Is it some type of hidden talent in me? Coz every time I find it within me. I just can’t seem to find an escape path or if I could run away from it. How do you run away from yourself? Pain is in me & I just can run away this time.

In my teenage I wanted to go to some place where no one would know who am I, where I came from so I could start all over again. It was a very strange type of wish but that wish came true. Now I wish for it again. Oh! GOD I just can’t run from myself again & again. Guess I have to live with it now for the rest of my life.

Last night I got a news & it was like a doctor told me that I have not much time to live. So if after a few weeks you still see me walking or talking, do remember it’s not me but only a dead man walking.

Yesterday evening I was helping a friend to reduce the pain and today I am myself in the same situation and I have no place to go or a way to reduce it but only this blog is my friend now. I have jailed myself inside my body & have decided not to share any feelings with anyone. Maybe people will think I’m mad or crazy. Well! Yes I am. I am totally crazy & extremely mad.

I have always used this media to express my own feelings & I think I write it all for myself. It is just like keeping a diary of my stupid life. I don’t know who will ever read all this bullshit once I am gone but I still write it coz after publishing my blog, I feel that I have said everything to millions of people out there even if no one is reading. This is my way to let it out of my chest.

Few weeks back I was having this problem of going blank while chatting or on SMS but now a new problem. I don’t feel like talking to anyone. I just want to be quiet. I don’t want to talk. I just don’t want to listen. I just don’t want anything. I don’t even know what the hell I want. I feel totally helpless coz I want to do something but I really can’t coz I am in a situation where only GOD can help...

DAY 377

Facebook has been blocked in Pakistan as per Lahore High Court decision and I think the Government should protest against it on higher level & only block those certain pages. There are even more pages that are against Islam & the Facebook owner’s damn care about it. The idea of this site was to bring people in one place so they can know each other but now it is being used for attacking on religions. I think the owners of Facebook should block all these types of pages against any religion. If someone reports, they never take an action but when it comes to my website, my page & someone reports it, they instantly block it. WOW! What a fast one sided service. I had a link to my own website & it is blocked for no good reason but a user reported it. Even links to Aamir Saleem’s website which I created & it’s totally a harmless website. I have made some good friends on Facebook & I have even met some great people through that service but this hurts. Let’s see what happens but a protest by all Muslim countries on higher level should be made. By blocking it, we will loose because if we Pakistani would have not been on Facebook since the first day, we would have never discovered that these things are happening. So our being there in a way is important otherwise we would always be in dark.

Today morning a strange & a happy thing happened. My female cat came to me while I was sleeping & tried her best to wake me up. She kept crying in her meow meows. First I thought she wanted food but then the story was different. Today in the morning at around 5am, she gave birth to 3 baby cats. While she gave birth she did not cry or made any sounds so we were unaware of it while sleeping. She was in the room & the door was closed. One little member of my family woke up & thought she had brought that baby cats from somewhere & she is trying to hurt them. You know the way they lick & grab the kids from the neck. She was all skinny & we never thought she was pregnant. So that member of my family took the 3 baby cats & put them away on the roof of the house so she can’t hurt them (Well! That’s what she thought). So the cat came to me & kept complaining which I was unable to understand until I made an inquiry as she never acted like this before. I asked my family members if anyone opened the door & the reply was negative. I asked them how many baby cats were there & they said 3. I said she can’t bring all of them. Something is wrong. It must be her giving birth which is strange as we never felt her being pregnant but no other way the kids could enter the room.

I immediately went to the roof & thank GOD all the 3 kids were there. The minute they saw me they started crying meow meow & hearing that my female cat ran up to the roof & grabbed one of them from the neck & took it back in the house & under the bed. We took the remaining 2 kids back in the room & now all three with her. She kept feeding them & kept licking them & loving them. We all were happy to see that & thanks GOD we were not been part of a sin (Keeping the kids away from their mother). Thank you GOD for giving me the power to wakeup, inquire & being the bridge between the kids & mom. My cat is not showing any anger to any member of the family if any of us touches her babies or grab them which is her love & trust on us. Oh by the way, still searching for the father cat. I wonder who could that be :-) … Maybe my own male cat but again its maybe… What the heck… All’s well that starts well…

DAY 367

I would like to thank everyone who wished me on my birthday yesterday & thank you to those as well who did not :) It was really a very nice feeling, receiving your wishes & prays. May all of you stay happy & healthy.

Yesterday was a bit different & overall nice for me. I had my mobile ringing time to time with sms wishing me on my birthday. It all started on Friday night & at 12:00am, it was such a great feeling to recieve sms from everyone. Even from those who I was not expecting like some of my office colleagues & ex-office colleague but in all those sms my heart waited for the one special & when that sms came, I felt younger & much happier. I would like to thank my Mom too as she not being with me even remembered the day & wished me via sms. I had been a bad son & I wish I could change that but thank you for loving me Mom even I'm not a person to be loved.

The day started normal but turned into an adventure when I planned to climb a wall like spiderman which was 18.3 m in height. See the picture & you can imagine what the hell I planned. Well The portion where you see the banner, the banner is not there anymore & still you go higher till the top but I managed to climb till the banner. One of the most interesting experience after last month's ice skating. This one was tough & safe. Now I do feel that spiderman is a hero :) I would love to do it again. After I came down, I was feeling younger. I think I should keep doing different things in life coz life is short & we sould enjoy the moments as much as possible as we can. By the way, I am not in the pic but yes I was actually there on the wall at the right side somewhere yesterday.

My blog also completed one year on Friday which was again a very good feeling. I was not able to write my blog for the past few days as I am still suffering from "NO INTERNET at home" disease. Lets see if it gets cured soon. Hopefully next week.

DAY 359

For a past few days I have been watching horror movies & today I have started to watch SAW (series). Already seen the first part of SAW & remaining 3 on the DVD waiting for me.

Today I woke up late as usual & we had plans that me & two of my friends, we all will have lunch together. Once again one of them asked me to surprise the other by showing up suddenly as she would not know that I am coming. Second time the surprise failed. I still remember that Saturday, when I was about to surprise her & he again made the whole plan, the whole Saturday turned into a nightmare. It happened again but this time it was the day-mare. The minute I meet them with his surprise idea, I found that on the way to the hotel they had a fight & guess what, when I jumped in the scene, lunch got cancelled while sitting in the hotel & we all went home without having lunch together. WOW! I love surprises :-) So I have decided not to be the part of that group anymore. I will remain friend for both but will not go out with them anymore as this happens almost every time. Now was at fault is not my headache coz doesn’t matter anymore.

This is going to be a little longer weekend as we will be off from the office on Monday as well. I still don’t know what should I plan for this weekend but planning to take the family members out for a movie only if any good movie is running in the cinema & if we have not watched it already. Let’s see & let’s hope for the good. Oh damn! I just finished my 7up. Let me get one more :-)