DAY 177

A day spent with full of tension but ended in a better manner. For the past three days, I only had my breakfasts & nothing more. One issue is solved, another is created. One problem is gone & the other is waiting on the door. Had a few tough days of life in path of friendship which has now changed me a lot. I used to be one real good friend but then I thought it’s useless so now I am one normal friend that could only be another addition to anyone’s friend list. Lots of questions & only few answers but hate all this so I have decided not to be involved in any relation that can hurt feeling. So no expectation from anyone & life is cool.

Since last day my cat “SWEETY” was really sick so today I took her to the vet & almost all of my day spent with her, tension & prayers. I can’t afford anymore lose. I love my cats as at least someone in this world do love me a lot & are always around me when I’m at home. They even walk with me & sleep with me. So they are much important than any friendly relation. I had plans for the evening. Had to go out with a friend but I cancelled it & asked my friend to go & enjoy as for me to save a life is much more important than to be a friend. I do want to thank my buddy who did help me out this morning at the bank for financial support. At the moment my cat is back home & sleeping.

Just took her picture now while she is sleeping:

DAY 174

A better day in the office & a busy one as well after a long period of time. I really hope this stay as a better day always give you the power to come to the office next day. Otherwise you start finding office a real boring place & start avoiding it.

Since past a month, almost every blog of mine is on friendship & me. So here I go again. Today a friend is angry with me. Not telling me why but with his few lines, I feel I hurt him. I’m really not sure on what but I asked him twice to let me know what had I done so either I can apologize or at least give an explanation but unfortunately he did not. In my life I have hurt a lot of people. Sometimes being a fool & sometimes accidently. Well! Accidently does not mean with an actual accident. Oh in fact I did that as well. Now I remember there was a time when I was about to kill a friend of mine but really that was purely an accident. So this friend is now hurt & he has asked me indirectly if I dislike him. Well! He asked someone else to ask me & that person did but unfortunately that person did not convey my answer to him. Don’t know why but I think should have.

Life has made me a devil. I’m a dangerous man who can hurt anyone at any stage. GOD! Save people from me. I was never a bad person but somehow situations made me so bad, some of my decisions & my bad luck. I kept on loosing relations all the way in life. Now when I look back, I feel sad as I lost good people & they all have shut the doors of their hearts for me. I’m not saying they did it wrong. They were & are still right. Currently if my friends come to know what is in my past, defiantly they will leave me. I have hidden it from them just so that I can have friends but I feel that someday my past will come & stand in front of me & all these people currently associated with me would not even bother to ask questions. They would all leave. Even if I tell them, they will leave. So I wait for my destiny. I wait for that hate to come. I wait for that anger to come. No I’m not ready at all but this is something I might have to face one day & I actually I deserve it.

DAY 173

What a boring day I would say in the office. Tension is increasing in the office as sales are down & I feel so sad about it. Can’t be relaxed with that thought but can only pray for the betterment. Hope this downfall will end soon.

I slept very late last night. Well night is not the right word. It was almost beginning of a new day as the sun was about to rise & I fell down & woke again at almost 8:30 & the first thing I did is I shared. My feelings, no my mobile balance.

In my last blog I wrote that two of my friends were on a war & see it ended in almost 24 hours. I knew it. Both of them would say this is the end but they can’t end it. Let’s see when the next war is scheduled.

There was a time when it was my dream to go to a place where no body knows me & I start a new life. I did it when I came to Pakistan but now I feel doing it again. I really don’t know why but somehow I just want to disappear & go to some unknown destination & start a new life all over. GOD! It’s so hard to do it. It took me almost 6-7 years to establish but now I wanna do it again. Even after this people on the Facebook call me a boring person. Well! Actually I really am. A few days back one of my friend asked me if I live dual lives. Honestly I do. I have two different lives & both lives are hidden from each other. In one life, people know me in some other way & vise versa.

I still have not decided weather I would be meeting my sister or not. She asked me to email before the 30th of the month. I still have 2 days to decide & I really don’t know what to do. She is one year younger than me & we both were really closed to each other when we were young due to almost the same age. So we had spent almost all the childhood playing together but time pass by & we converted into two different people with so many differences. So time really changes you. There is a fight going on between my heart & my brain. One says meet her, other says don’t. I really don’t know who will win but this has to end in a result within two days or then it’s late. Let’s hope for the good.

DAY 172

A very slow weekend. All the two days I spent at home. Did not feel going out. Most of my time spent online or playing with my cute cats. I love those two cuties. They have won my heart. I still remember the first day they came to my house. I had a fear from cats. In the beginning I used to avoid them. Did not even let them come near to me but slowly they won my heart & now the little one is always at the door waiting for me at night so I can give her the food she loves. The minute I enter the house, she start showing her love by rubbing her body against my legs & then keep on walking with me till she gets her food. Now both of them are even sleeping with me. I think every human should have pets so they can have feelings for animals & they stop hurting them.

Got the news last night that my mom is well now & my prayers for her good health. Also got an email that my sister will be visiting Pakistan. She will be landing on the 30th of this month. I still have not replied to her email & I really don’t know why. May be a guilt or may be I don’t know what I will say to her after almost 4 years. When a gap comes in a relation, it’s always hard to be the same & hard to even start a conversation. Time has changed me & so would have her. I’m still confused should I meet her or not. Mom asked me to meet. Lets see if I do but for that I would have to travel to Lahore & don’t know how to manage that coz of my job.

After almost a month I did manage to make my friend feel a bit shame & at last he sent the pics of his marriage but can you believe it. No photo of mine. Now who to blame? Well! I don’t even like my pics as 90-95% are not good so I don’t even want to see them.

My two friends are on a cold war again. Don’t know who to blame as I don’t want to do this because then too many things & I hate this. World is already full of hate & pain. I wonder why we keep hurting others & keep stealing their smiles. Let’s see how long this war goes. Have a feeling not that long but let’s see.

Today after very very long time someone said that I was looking good. Thank you for your nice comments. It’s really been a long time since someone said that to me so I am happy as well as stunned as it is a surprise for me. Someone even asked me to change my appearance. A few instructions… oh sorry advises & I did follow a few. You see I have nothing to give to others but I can always give them smiles & happiness so at least when I die, someone can say, I was a nice guy…

Oh! I forgot to mention my punching practice. No I’m not planning to be a boxer. It is just my anger that made me one. I got so angry on something that I actually punched the wall. No, it did not break but I hurt my own hand. See what happens when you think with anger. It has been a very long time that I have done something like this. I had a very bad temper in my early life. I was a real young angry man. Breaking doors, glasses & anything that is in my access. Sometimes when you see things not in your hand you hurt your hand & this is what I did. I still remember that once my father asked me to control my anger as it might hurt me someday. Look dad, I hurt myself…

DAY 169

Last Wednesday I received a message from a respected relative saying that my mom is seriously ill & her condition is all because of me so I should stop contacting her for her betterment. For a minute let me agree with that person but few weeks back my mom cried on phone saying I want to see you & she wanted to hear my voice. Now my dear respected relative, I just want to ask one question. If I was the reason of her condition then you will be the reason for her future condition coz at this moment I know by hearing my voice, she feels better or by talking to me she feels a bit happy. So now what I did in the past is what you are doing presently. Oh! One more thing, you can stop her contacts with me but she is after all my mother so the connection will always be there. You can never break that even if you try. I agree that it was all me who made her like this but now it will be all you making it worse.

For the past few days my brain is so confused with so many things in it at the same time & still I’m unable to manage my brain. It’s really getting hard for me as today I don’t even feel talking to anyone at all. I just want to move. Maybe I want to change my location, my city, my surrounding, my job, my relations & maybe myself. This is really hard as I have been through this before & I know how difficult it is to just wrap-up everything & move to a different location. I really don’t know if this will help so still I am unable to make any decisions.

Sometime you want to hide & run from yourself & you could never do that because where ever you go & hide, you will always be with yourself. I think I want to do that & I know this is not possible. So that might be the reason of not talking with anyone & not allowing anyone to reach me & my thoughts. I will only be sharing my feelings on this blog because at least here I feel someone has read it. Otherwise I always feel that no one heard it. In past few weeks I have discovered one more thing in me. I cannot talk & share my feelings face to face with anyone but I can only share it by writing to them. When a person is face to face, I feel that I lost the words & it is even hard for me to explain my thoughts & feelings. So I always skip the face to face talk. Well! Honestly who cares what are my thoughts & feelings. At least I don’t… Why? Because nowadays the connection between my heart & my brain is failing. They both are not talking to each other. So that’s why I’m not talking to anyone…

DAY 166

Today after so many years I am missing my dad so badly. Few minutes back I was starring at his picture. Trying to search him or may be trying to talk to him. I need him back in life. I want him so much today. Please dad, please come back. I know he can’t. Once a person leaves there is no way to come back in this world. I just wish he would have been here so I can hug him, ask him to guide me, show me the way,. I am tired of being a strong person. I am not. I just pretend to be one but it’s all a lie.

I am even unable to contact my mom. No reply from her end. SMS sent twice but nothing. I’m totally lost. No ones fault but my own. I want a way out of this or soon I will meet my dad in the next world. Why I cannot share my feelings? Why I cannot explain what is going on in me? Something is totally wrong & I can’t seem to find the exact words to express it.

Today I have even decided that I will not meet any new faces in life for sometimes. I don’t want any new relations, no new friends. I have closed the doors of my heart. The ones that are already in will stay in & the ones that are out cannot get in. Why have I taken this decision? I just don’t know but I just don’t want anyone in my life anymore. The fear of loosing people might be one of the reasons but I am not sure.

Last night was so bad. My heart was so restless. I was not able to sleep till 3:00 am I guess. Tried but kept on failing. Oh good! Just got the SMS from mom saying she is fine. I sent SMS to all people that are close to my heart & asked them if they all are fine as if I had this strange feeling I’m about to leave this world but unfortunately I did not. It’s good to know that all of them are fine. May all of them stay happy & healthy. Few days back I wrote in one of my blog that I will be passing time with my friends but I just can’t coz somehow its not part of my nature. So friends I do apologize for writing that. I will be your friend & will keep on performing my part in your life till you allow me too.

DAY 165

I was wrong all the time. There is no such thing as a lucky charm or may be I have lost it. So I take my words back. Last three days changed me. Well not completely but yes some how they did. In my 31 years of life, I never came across so many tragic episodes that I saw in only 2 days. It was like every minute the story of my life was changing. Like twist in the story every minute. I love stories with a twist but so many twists actually twisted my brains & I found myself lost. So I actually paused all the contacts on Saturday & went into dark for a day just to rebuild myself & here I am but I still don’t find myself with happiness. I still see all going wrong & feel hopeless standing in the way of life.

Last night I actually took a very long walk on a very dark road. I was unable to see anything but I kept walking. So many cars & bikes passed by but I continued my journey of dark as I was waiting for the light. It came but when I felt extremely tired & when I started feeling that now I might fall. Why did I do that? I have no idea but so many things in my mind & I had no answers so I thought I need time with me but I still was not able to find any answers & the road ended. One thing I did find that after dark, you always find light so you just have to keep on walking.

Today I’m not myself. Something is killing me inside & I don’t know what is it. I am trying to overcome this but I’m failing. I really want to know what is bothering me but I can’t find it. Maybe not one thing but more. WHAT??? I just can’t seem to understand. The path of life I’m walking on is the one I have chosen myself & I knew the results but now I want to change the results & I just can’t & I feel so hopeless. Maybe this is killing me that why I have nothing in my hand. Could I rub all these lines & draw some new on my hand? Could I change all what I’m going through? Could I at least go back all the way & choose another path or please could I forget all this & disappear? COULD I PLEASE??? I know I can’t coz there is no u turn in life. Ok but could I please get a memory loss? Please please please… Come on at least I can have that. Oh GOD! Please at least this… Guess a big No.

So, I would have to continue walking & someday I might fall on the way of life. I can actually feel pain in the heart. What does that mean? Is that pain asking me to stop or is that a sign that soon I will stop? Guess I have to wait & see…

DAY 163

Sometimes it is so difficult to forgive someone but I did it yesterday. Why? Because only one thing was in my mind. We make mistakes & we expect God to forgive us. We keep on making mistakes & keep asking for forgiveness & He keeps on forgiving. So why can’t we do this? I have decided to do it from now on. So dear friends & dear foes, you are most welcome to hurt me again & again & I will keep on forgiving you again & again. Why am I mentioning this? Because a person who was my friend is now again my friend as I hugged him last night & ended the cold silent war between us. Honestly I have so many reasons to be angry but I really don’t know why I am not. Maybe my anger is dying & I’m not the young angry man anymore.

On the other hand, there is still one more friend that this guy needs to make up with. These two days were really hard on my mind. So many questions, so many thoughts & no answers still. First I tried to find the answers but then I thought it will create more problems to I skipped it.

I actually learnt something from all this. First my valve as a friend which is unfortunately in negative & second that we should always clear things there & then. Giving time to these things & you find yourself messed up with all relations & this keeps on increasing no matter how sorry you feel or how hard you try. In the end, it’s painful.

Somehow I feel that now I’m really tired of all this & cannot take this further. These ups & downs in relations are killing me. Every other day I find someone crying. Every other day I find someone blaming, someone fighting, someone breaking relation & someone feeling sorry. Sometimes that someone is even me but this is it. It is now actually disturbing my professional life as well. I have to stop this. I can do this. I’m no longer going to be involved in any emotional relations. I am now going to be one normal friend who is just passing time with others & moving on. Yes! This is really bad to do but I have no power to take this anymore. I now have only friends. No one is best for me. So no best friend for me anymore. I can be my own best friend coz I am the one who actually knows myself more than others. So my dear friends, if you reading this which I’m hoping you are not, I’m sorry…

DAY 162

I used to think that I always choose special people to be my friend but today I discovered I was so wrong. Well! I’m a human too so I did make a mistake. I made a friend that should not be done. I have a person in the office who is always back biting and we can expect anything bad from her and now I have this person who used to be my friend. Well this person is not back biting but he wants friendship on his own terms. Can you believe it? Friendship on terms. Well! I went out of the office to eat something and on my way back I was thinking that I should have made her friend as at least I would know what bad things she can do as here I don’t even know what bad plans he makes. Three four days back he was complaining that how could be people so unfair but now he is doing the same thing. As my relation broke with him, now he wants others to break relations with me. So is this fair? Even though it was totally his fault but as I said yesterday that he will never accept this coz accepting your mistake is one of the hard things. He even tried this before & on the same night he apologized but now he is doing it again. He still wanted me to be friends with him. Why? Maybe he wants to do this again & again with me. I have told my friend with whom this person wants my contact to be stopped that if she wants, she can and I will never complain. Well! Someday he will learn a lesson so I leave this to GOD.

My country is still burning & the government is still sleeping. Lots & lots of blasts all over the country & they say we have put the security on high alert. I know it can’t be stopped but why the hell they always say that we had the info after the attacks? Why no one ask them then why the hell you did not even try to stop it? I wonder if it could ever stop coz every time when I make a friend online & he/she asks me where am I from, I think for a while & then answer as I feel that if I tell them that I’m from Pakistan, they might think of me as a terrorist & would not continue but guess what. I still do tell them that coz this is who I am. What I can do is only pray for peace…

DAY 161

Why does it happen that every time I plan to write my blog, bad things happens? Well in the morning I planned that I will write the blog & lots & lots of action started in Lahore. Can you believe it? The same location was attacked which was attacked before as well not long time back & now they say we have increased the security. What the hell they were doing before? I think stupid question for stupid government. This was not ending while another blast now in Peshawar. My country is burning & the stupid leaders are telling the world that Pakistan is safe for sporting events. Hell! It is… On the other hand, sugar is no where to be found in the city. Today no sugar, tomorrow no flour, day after that no humans. Why can’t it be no stupid cheap leaders??

So my cute friend is on the way back to Lahore to spend the week end & their goes my lucky charm away from me. The minute the time came near, everything started bad for me. First had a silent fight with my friend & coz of his stupid behavior I have now ended the relation. Although he would never agree on this that he was acting stupid. According to him, I use to be against him & now he is blaming someone else for all this but not once looking at himself but time will tell who was wrong & who was right. You know when time gives you a lesson, it is always very tough & the hard way. At that stage of life, you find yourself travelling on a highway where you can’t find a near exit or even a U turn.

I was just trying to give him a piece of advice but he actually broke the advice into pieces & tried to play puzzle with it & fixed all the pieces incorrectly & when this happens, you see a wrong picture. Today I have decided not to waste my time on conveying advises as this is something like hitting your own head against the walls.

Had a real wonderful week. Infect some of the greatest moments of my life. Yes this is unusual for me as it does not happen often but this time it actually happened but why it had to end this way? Why good times don’t remain for long? So much anger I can feel inside me coz a few sentences today have actually hurt me internally but I’m trying not to let it out. Even my lucky charm hurt me but then said sorry so it’s all forgiven & forgotten. I will be missing my lucky charm very much. Few days back I told my charm that you are lucky for me but my charm said no way, it does not happen but let me tell you this. The minute you left the city, I found puncher tire of my bike. So I quickly rushed to the nearest market to get it fixed but on the way the soul of my shoe broke. Is this it? No, I was unable to find anyone to fix that. You see lucky charm, you left & all went wrong for me. Now do you believe it? I’m sure you still won’t but I can’t force anyone to believe anything.

DAY 154

Had a good day in the office & this is thanks to someone. I mentioned in one of my previous blog that I found someone always being lucky for me. That person is now in my city & my luck has already changed. The work at my office was down but suddenly it has all changed since that person is in the city. I really thank that person to be a part of my life & that is the same person who I went with shopping yesterday & had a really great time. I did not mention yesterday that we both did not tell our third friend regarding the shopping & the meeting thing as he is going through a tense period & creating issues on almost very small things. So she asked not to tell as he might create an issue but today she herself told him & there he goes. Now he created a new issue that why you people did not tell me and just because of that he almost ended the friendship with her. It took almost half of the business day for them to solve the issue & I was relaxed as I know this always happen. Their friendship almost comes to an end & then they are back to normal. One thing I like about this girl. She is so different from others. She will never mention it again that you did that to me or this to me at that part of life. She will simply forget & move on. Salute to her on this.

Today is my elder sister’s birthday & thanks to MSN reminder & Facebook, I was able to send a message & wish her. It has been a very long time since I have wished any of my sisters or brother on their birthdays. Well! There was a time when I even used to have lots of wishes but time changes & so does humans & I am one of them that changed.

Last night while on the way to home, I had this SMS:

MERA BACHA SAB SAY ACHA, SAB SAY PYARA
My son is the best, Most lovely

This SMS was sent by my mother & I replied that I wish I was like that but I am not & she sent a SMS again saying you are, you are, you are. After that I received a call from her & she started crying & kept on crying and saying that she is missing me a lot. I asked her to please stop crying & it was really a difficult night for me. At the moment my mom is in Saudi Arabia & she wanted to hear my voice & wanted to look at me. GOD! I was so amused at all this. All this time she hated me but deep inside she still loves me even though I am someone who only deserve hate & nothing else but that moment was really hard for me as I really can’t bare anyone crying.

DAY 153

My dear friend is in my city for her studies since Tuesday morning & today I had a real good time with her. I had a real great shopping experience with her. It was really different with her. She took no time in making decisions & it was amusing for me to see us walking out of the shopping center in no time with all her requirements. Yes, she is really a different girl. Much like a boy & quick in making decisions. Do get confuse sometimes but not today & it was really a great moment to be with her. We have met after almost a month and she was looking a bit slimmer. Might be because of the fasting as I know she is not on a diet but seriously was looking great and if you are reading this my friend, thank you for giving me an opportunity to be with you. Although a short period but it was fun & of great value to me.

Oh did I mention that I actually slept early last night? I guess not. Actually this friend of mine is here & she has no one but us, her friends. So I have planned to be at her assistance very moment she requires and to do that I have to match my sleeping times with her so if she is getting depressed or bore in the morning, I could cheer her up. I was really excited when she was coming. I actually did not sleep for almost 24 hours or more. We kept on messaging each other till 2:30 at night on Monday & those SMS(s) were full of laughter. I actually laughed on a few so hard that I felt tears in my eyes. I wanted her trip to start with laugh so she can spend her 2 years of studies with a smile on her face & happiness all over her.

Meanwhile on the other hand, my other friend is in hidden pain & tension. Even though I call myself Man In Brightness, it has been now more than 2 weeks & I am still kept in darkness by him that what is he going through. I really still don’t know why? I am one man that actually knows a lot about his life & I have been with him on a really bad occasion or should I say a very bad day in his life but it is really sad that I still could not create that trust in him that is required to share things & feelings. Ah! Sometimes you cannot achieve everything in life. A few days back he even said something that should have hurt me & should have made me angry but still I was not because I know he still need to grow a lot & I still consider him an immature person.

Today a discussion started in my office that why are there silent alphabets in English words. No one had an answer & maybe no one can ever answer that. Is there someone who can? Maybe not even an Englishman. It is indeed a genuine question. Why do you put a letter in a word when you don’t even want to use it? I guess it is something like this. You can’t express every feeling so sometimes you share it by being silent. So some letters are there for this cause but still in this case, it is foolishness and nothing else.

DAY 151

Back on the blog after a small break & yet another bad day in the history of Pakistan. A bomb blast in the capital & again no clue of what so ever. Investigations will proceed & will end & nothing would happen in the end as public easily forget everything & starts new day. Now a question. Who died? Was the target achieved? Guess nothing achieved. Killing poor staff, was that the target? Killing a receptionist, killing an Iraqi, was that the target? GOD! What the hell they want to achieve? Hope this will end someday but chances are 0%.

Another good day in the office in respect of work. While travelling the office, I received an SMS asking me if I’m ok. Thank you my dear friend for caring for me. Someone said that he doesn’t need friends but if you have these types of friends, you should consider yourself lucky. I really think friends should be around you & specially the one that really care for you. Honestly no one even called from my family when there was a huge earthquake back in 2005 but only friends asked. So I really think that sometimes friends are much closer to you than your own ones.

My dear friend is at last coming to my city for her further studies & she will start her journey today at night & by the blessing of Almighty, she will be here tomorrow morning & hopefully we will meet the next day. Lots of things for her to do. She has to get herself adjusted in the hostel & have to arrange a few other things like an internet connection so she can cross my level on Facebook Yoville. Well! I really even don’t know what’s her level in the game or what’s mine. The last time I remember she was leading but it really doesn’t make a difference who leads as long as good friends are always together. It is really hard to live away from your family in a hostel environment leaving all your habits behind in order to achieve your target. It is so true that sometimes you have to loose something to get something but think it this way, in the end you win coz you do achieve something in the end.

DAY 147

What a busy day I had today in the office. I really love it when the day passes away & you can actually feel that you were busy. It was really after a long time. This means good start for business & hopefully it will remain like this. Past few months were really slow & I really wanted to have busy days in office as it not only helps me generating profits for me & the company but also a great feeling at the end of the day.

So yesterday Pakistan did loose the match as I was expecting but what a great match it was. The way the match turned & the result on the last ball made is so exciting when it was actually going in the favor of Australia. Really it’s hard to understand Pakistani Cricket team. No one was expecting them to fight back like this. Although they lost but no one was sad as they actually did try this time. Now let’s see what happens in upcoming matches. As for our neighbor country India, they have to go back home but they can never blame Pakistan now coz they actually did try to win it. Otherwise match fixing word would be the best anyone would have used.

My friend that was in the market yesterday in order to purchase a laptop finally did buy a HP 540 today so I would like to congratulate her & wish her the best in life & pray for her great future.

Load shedding has again started but not that much at this part of the country and meanwhile the government has increased the tariff by 6%. What the hell is this?? If there is not electricity, then why charging more? Well! Actually the question should be weather this will help the government in any way. To be honest NO because if there would be no electricity in the house, what would be in the bill. The prices of petrol have been dropped by 3Rs. WOW! Thank you. That is a relief. 3Rs is so good. Saving 3Rs. will save the nation. GOD! I really want to slap each & every bastard who is behind these stupid decisions. Ok now I need a glass of water coz me getting to angry so I’m out of here for now…