DAY 221

Once my father asked me to control my anger & somehow I did. Now I don’t get angry too much but if I do, I just turn into a rude person. In fact a very rude & destructive one. I hate myself in that mode. I wish I could just remove that part from me.

Two days back I got hurt & in anger I hurt others. I wish I never had. It was not their fault but somehow in anger I failed to control myself. I actually acted as a real rude person to both of my friends. I don’t know if they still are my friends coz one of them hurt me & I hurt the other one.

In anger we say a lot of things that we don’t mean. I hate conversations in anger & I try to avoid them. The best I do is take a long walk & stay away from everything. This I should have done on Saturday. I should have walked away that same minute instead of sitting in the taxi. That way I would have not hurt others. I acted rude with one such person who is soooooo close to my heart & for that I will never ever forgive myself. I will hurt myself for that. I want to apologize to her for my rude behavior. I am not asking for forgiveness as I don’t deserve it but I was rude so I will punish myself for that.

Saturday night & all Sunday I was not able to come out of it. The pain & the anger kept on growing. I was even rude to my lovely cats. I took a long walk Sunday evening but somehow it did not help. I wanted to skip the office today but I did not coz I just don’t want to disturb my professional life. Sometimes you feel standing at a point where you don’t find u-turns. Sunday night I forgave one of my friends (Still not sure if he is my friend). We all three made mistakes that day. He lied, I got in anger, I acted rude & the other of us, she instead of cooling me down started defending him. I still remember that in the morning when I came to know that he was late & she was angry with him, I sent a message to her saying, “I apologize on his behalf”. Even though it was not my fault & I know it was his fault but I did not defend him. She could have cooled me down in some other way but she did not. So we all three made mistakes but in the end, it was me with lots & lots of pain all 3 days & still my pain is there. My pain is there coz I deserve it. I had no rights to be rude to her. I still wish both of them happiness & best future… See what happens when you don't listen to your parents???