Last Wednesday I received a message from a respected relative saying that my mom is seriously ill & her condition is all because of me so I should stop contacting her for her betterment. For a minute let me agree with that person but few weeks back my mom cried on phone saying I want to see you & she wanted to hear my voice. Now my dear respected relative, I just want to ask one question. If I was the reason of her condition then you will be the reason for her future condition coz at this moment I know by hearing my voice, she feels better or by talking to me she feels a bit happy. So now what I did in the past is what you are doing presently. Oh! One more thing, you can stop her contacts with me but she is after all my mother so the connection will always be there. You can never break that even if you try. I agree that it was all me who made her like this but now it will be all you making it worse.
For the past few days my brain is so confused with so many things in it at the same time & still I’m unable to manage my brain. It’s really getting hard for me as today I don’t even feel talking to anyone at all. I just want to move. Maybe I want to change my location, my city, my surrounding, my job, my relations & maybe myself. This is really hard as I have been through this before & I know how difficult it is to just wrap-up everything & move to a different location. I really don’t know if this will help so still I am unable to make any decisions.
Sometime you want to hide & run from yourself & you could never do that because where ever you go & hide, you will always be with yourself. I think I want to do that & I know this is not possible. So that might be the reason of not talking with anyone & not allowing anyone to reach me & my thoughts. I will only be sharing my feelings on this blog because at least here I feel someone has read it. Otherwise I always feel that no one heard it. In past few weeks I have discovered one more thing in me. I cannot talk & share my feelings face to face with anyone but I can only share it by writing to them. When a person is face to face, I feel that I lost the words & it is even hard for me to explain my thoughts & feelings. So I always skip the face to face talk. Well! Honestly who cares what are my thoughts & feelings. At least I don’t… Why? Because nowadays the connection between my heart & my brain is failing. They both are not talking to each other. So that’s why I’m not talking to anyone…
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