DAY 119

I had to attend the Nikkah ceremony of my friend last night & I had to keep a smile on my face all the time as well. This was really hard. I can’t keep a smile on my face anymore. I just can’t. I have broken myself into so many pieces & now it will at least take another 2-3 years of my life to bring me back into normal condition.

That dream had hurt me & I have hurt myself as well. I really did not want to go but a promise is a promise & I have to keep it. The deal of friends forever is still on with him so I had to be there. Although my heart was really sad & full of pain but I did somehow manage to keep my sense of humor alive.

It was a busy day. I had to shave, had to go to the tailor to get my pant fixed & then the painful dream all the way with me hurting me from inside. A relation I broke yesterday was even more painful but sometimes you have to hurt yourself, so I did.

My friend asked me to be at his place at 03:30pm but he himself was never ready. I SMS him that I’m on the way & he said no please come after 30 minutes. So I went at 05:00 coz I know his 30 minutes, it’s like weeks. When I reached there he was not even dressed the way a groom should be. So I reminded him that Nikkah is today. I met 3-4 of his other friends that I never met before. With one of them I did chat online & he was so much in me & I told him “NO I’M NOT GAY”…

Arriving at the hotel where the event was planned, flowers were showered on us. We being his friends were treated like important people. This I really liked. So we went inside & after 5 minutes the ceremony started. I & other of his friends were all standing behind him on stage while he was sitting on the sofa especially placed for the bride & the groom. My friend was so nervous while they were filling the paper “NIKKAH NAMA”. He was sitting on the sofa like if sitting on a plane which is about to take off & he is scared of heights. We kept joking with him & teasing him throughout the signing & acceptance process. I wonder why the Qazi only asked him once if he accepts her as it is three times. When I asked the Qazi, he said I did for him 2 times. GOD my friend was sitting with the Qazi who accepted his bride twice & he did only once. I even joked with my friend while he was signing that do those signatures which you have never done before so you can easily escape later. He had to sign 4 papers & I know even the sign on his cheques are always mismatched so I joked with him saying don’t mismatch the signs otherwise the Nikkah will be bounced back. Meanwhile the video & still cameras were all on us. After that process, all the friends hugged him & while I hugged him, I said “CONGRATES! NOW YOU ARE TRAPPPED”. Then we were back on our seats & then after few minutes, the bride came. I am not going to comment on her as I respect my friend & I respect every person related to him but yes she was looking nice. Her dress was cool. She was really not that nervous from her face as my friend was. GOD my friend was like someone has chained him there & he want to run away. I know he was happy but he was so scared at the same time. I wonder why.

The next step was the Ifftar. Honestly I did not like the food there. It was just ok & I did not like the waiters there. They were just bumping into people like if pushing them & making their way. After having my Ifftar I looked around & noticed that there were only 2 people who were wearing suits including me. Others were all in casual. GOD I cannot believe it. Even the father of the bride was casual. I was really planning to go there in my jeans but as it was my first Nikkah ceremony of a friend so I wear my suit.

Photo session started & lots of lights & camera all over the groom & the bride. I was once again all alone in the crowd. I really hate being in crowds. I never enjoy it. I was just observing people & my surrounding. I was trying to read faces while kept quiet all the time. My friend did ask me to come over as he wanted me to meet the bride but GOD I’m a shy person & I just could not. I told him by hand signs, later buddy. I really don’t know what to say to a person I meet without knowing him/her. I can say anything or start a conversation online but when it comes to face to face, I fail…

So then it was the dinner time. We all had dinner but again the food was just ok. I was really not even feeling to have any. Broken heart with full of pain doesn’t allow me to eat mostly. So I just ate little & I even skipped the sweet. In all this time I kept looking at the surrounding & observing people & sometimes was looking at the couple. While I was walking here and there, my friend did point towards me & told the bride that the person over there is my stupid friend. Nah! I really don’t know what he said but I gave them a naughty look with a smile. After food I was really so much tired as I was awake since 07:30 in the morning & I wanted to go home & have some rest but new photo session started. All this time I was the only friend who did not speak to the bride. I really don’t know what she would be thinking about me but I’m really sorry as I just could not say anything to her. It’s really in my nature to be reserved and a bit shy until I really don’t know the person. So please do accept my apology madam.

Oh! People even noticed that I was quiet all the time. Unexpectedly, bride’s father came to me & asked me that why am I all alone & not talking a lot. I just told him coz of my nature & then he asked me do I work with my friend in the same office and I answered yes.

09:30 I told my friend that now I’m going after having last few photos & then I left. I walked all the way home as I wanted to be all alone & lots of thoughts on my mind. I really don’t know why I don’t share all my feelings…